Friday, September 12, 2008

Blogging is shit.

Fuck this, I'm outta here.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Some little maple hard candy.

Target: Some little maple hard candy.

Packaging: Hardly any. Individually wrapped.

Candy: 10 of 10 (For a little maple hard candy ) First of all, it smells like maple. That is a good thing. Has a strong, thick, hearty sweet smell to it.

Very nice taste, not as overpowering a the smell would lead you to believe, yet still stronger than a Canadian. The little maple hard candy holds up well in the mouth, it doesn’t get all sugary or slippery. Very nice, single flavor. Not like a cough drop at all, which for some reason I feared. Not like that nasty crap on maple donuts, this is nice and subtle. Not artificial tasting.

Tracker - Not Granola, Not Candy, Not Good. Asshole.

Target: Tracker – someone needs to start tracking down the truck that just rolled down the hill. I think it is trying to move in on that “candy bar” “granola health crap” hybrid that all the candy companies are making. Well, as a note to all you companies doing that hybrid shit, CUT IT THE FUCK OUT. If I want granola I’ll eat some fucking Gorp. Unless I actually set out for fucking Gorp, I want a good tasting, makes me hyper, chocolate slathered, peanut butter, chocolate piece of shit that makes me fat. Also, I don't know who makes this thing, and I don't like that. It seems as though Mars at least distributes it, so we will blame everything on them. Asshole.

Packaging: The trackers package is nothing special. The most prominent things on it is the candy name and some bullshit self-righteous narrative about how this is a one of a kind candy bar. Asshole.

My mom says I'm special.
Let’s get to business about this auto-feltaing commentary. As much hot air as this thing blows up its own ass, the only ingredient that is identified is the whole grain that does nothing to improve upon the taste of this candy. Hoo-fucking-rah; congratulations “whole grain”, you didn’t fuck anything up. Asshole.

Whole grain is about as smart as wheat.

The best description of anything else you get is “…Crunch, Goo, and Chew…”. Fantastic, I’m about to ingest a cum covered pig nut rolled in sand; my definition of pleasure. Asshole.

Even in the ingredients don’t give the straight up. The first thing is “cereal bar with CRISPIES”. What the fuck is a “crispy”, is it a mummified Smurf, is it the other fucking “Thing”, I don’t know; take a bite and find out. Asshole.

And what the hell is a “choc’ chip. It sounds like somebody through some truck choc blocks in a grinder and sprinkled them on the freaking candy. Asshole.

Candy: 5 of 10:
When I bite into this one it feels a little like dried crickets, you know the one you forgot in your tackle box last summer. The top and bottom section, which I assume are “Crunch” and “Chew” respectively, are very brittle the only reason it doesn’t snap off like a frozen …uh... water popsicle is because “Goo” is a stripe of caramel holding the two together. I guess “Crunch” is the assortment of peanut, choc chip, and other goodies we see on top, and “Chew” is the granola bar on the bottom. Asshole.

With the General.

The fist thing I taste is a peanut buttery flavor, it is quickly followed up with a raw peanut taste. I would rather just eat a Quaker Oat peanut butter granola bar. The chocolate taste comes in at the end and is nothing special. Asshole.

For my money they can keep this thing in London. I liked trying it, but I wouldn’t ask a ship captain to pilot a zillion of these things across the Bermuda Triangle just to have the pleasure of it touching my lips. Asshole.
Tracker cross section.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Le Tourment Vert: The Green Torment

Box and Bottle

Finally, absinthe is legal again, and starting to be more and more accessible. I found this bottle in a specialty foods store that had a fairly large booze selection. I am not going to go into the story of absinthe and how real absinthe has never mad people hallucinate any more than any other alcohol or any of that rubbish. For all that check out


Scent: The first thing you smell, with the tip of your nose is an artificially minty smell. It smells almost like a bunch of York peppermint patty’s swished around in Scope. The follow-up scent is a full, think licorice smell; which to me is great. Not until the end of the sniff do you get the 100 proof alcohol nose hair burns.

Color: The color looks like it was manufactured to hold a light-green hue. Sitting in the glass it looks like a nice, clean emerald. You could put this in a Scope bottle and no could tell the difference. Actually, I think the makers may have been in such a hurry to get this on the shelves once the ban was lifted they thinned out some Scope with some Everclear and called it good enough.

Le Tourment Vert profile
Le Tourment Vert above

Louche: The louche is green and dense. It looks like a foggy green cloud in a glass. It is not very smooth in its development. At one point it is clear emerald green, then all of a sudden it is cloudy aqua.

First drop of water and sugar
Oil, sugar, water, and alcohol
Louch profile
Louch above

Flavor with sugar: I drink my absinthe with two sugar cubes, and mix the tradition 1:4 ratio. This mouthwash tastes pretty nice, it has a strong mint overtone but with a very heavy, strong, full licorice flavor. Either the people who make this are masters of their craft at a level higher than anyone else in the world, or this has some artificial licorice in it. I really can’t taste anything else. It tastes like a boozed-up, liquefied Good & Plenty. Not bad.

Preparation profile
Preparation above
Cube remains on a spoon

Flavor without sugar: Tastes nothing like a Good & Plenty. Has the same minty taste upfront with the overpowering licorice flavor throughout. The hot alcohol sensation only arrives after you swallow the elixir. The oils in the drink are much more apparent without sugar. I can feel them roll around on top of my tongue, and slide to my throat before being swallowed. It is a bit more if a sensation than drinking it with sugar, but I like it sugar better, always.

Overall: 7.6 of 10 (I really like Good & Plenty’s)
Ready to drink.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Fuck Michael Phelps

Olympics = Gay

The only thing that is less gay about the Olympics now vs. 1 million years ago is that there aren’t dicks swinging around in olive oil.

Why the hell does NBC dictate to us what Olympic sports we can be proud of? Gymnastics (gay), water sports (gay and disgusting; in the Olympics when someone gets first in a water sport they get a golden shower), track (gay). Why couldn’t all of us proud Americans see the first gold medal won, because NBC sucks and won’t show fencing. Now Fencing might sound and look gay, but for god’s sake it’s a fucking sword fight (not the kind with dicks). These people are stabbing the shit out of each other; but no, we get to watch a bunch of dudes swinging around poles like high dollar strippers.

Let’s see some fucking shot put and javelin action. I want to see some big mother fucker throw a 15 pound lead ball 75 feet. That way I can imagine them hurling a fucking cannon ball at the enemy when all the gun powder on there battle ship gets wet.

Let’s see some spear chuckers out there (no not porch monkeys, spear chuckers). Let’s get the javelin throw live, just in case some jackass judge gets harpooned through the fucking neck.

What about archery, that is straight up the proof of skill that some dude can fucking kill you in the chest from a mile away.

Diving, fuck diving. That is essentially showing how fancy these piss ants can run away from a battle. “Oh look, I’ll dive into this lake and make as little surface disruption as possible so that my pursuers can’t find me.” FUCK YOU. pussy.

Swimming is just an exercise in seeing how far you can get from your sinking war ship before that shot putter can smash your fucking dome with a damn cannonball.

I’m not fucking with water polo, that shits intense.

The Olympics were meant to identify the greatest athletes, and in turn the person with the greatest warrior potential. Don’t give me synchronized swimming and BMX racing bullshit. (yeah, BMX is in the Olympics this year. That’s a fucking X-game, leave it there).

Let’s see some rowing where they ram each other in efforts to sink the other teams shit.
Let’s see some really up to date shit where the guys shoot guns at stuff.

Boxing is worthy of the Olympics. Wrestling is worthy of the Olympics. Horse riding is worthy of the Olympics (hey, Calvary is badass).

This shit NBC is feeding us is worthless. The next time I need some 12 year old Chinese bitch who is going to end up a Thai hooker in fucking Bangladesh to win a war by spinning a ribbon on a stick, I’ll let ya know. Until then she can suck the dicks of all the U.S. diplomats going to Croatia on “official business”.

Old bitch in line.

I was just in line at the Circle K down the street. Now, I don’t expect much when I go into a Circle K, but the least I ask for is to be able to do my business without feeling the need to beat the living shit out of some dumb ass.

So I am standing at the end of a line 7 people deep, with two more people behind me. Then this old catcher’s mitt of an old hag steps out of line. She looks back at me and say, “Can you save my spot for me?” and then runs off to the candy aisle without giving me time to say , “No bitch, get in the back of the fucking train.”

She comes back from the candy Aisle with a stack of candy bars for her husband, and I’m sure she meant her Labrador when she said husband; because I couldn’t imagine Quasimodo sticking with this fucking grease stain. Then I tell her, “Hey you got out of line, get behind me.” So, she starts up with the “But, I asked you to save my spot.” As I reply in my “fuck you, you filthy nasty mushroomed-up snatch” tone of voice “That doesn’t mean shit.” The clerk cut a “I-need-to get-slapped-with-a-cement-block” look. And since I really didn’t want to get kicked out of the Circle K where I get my daily supply of MGD I figured I’d let the old leather flap cut back in line.

After all that shit the walking melanoma start chatting me up like I’m her old friend Cathy. She goes on to blame him on her being fat, because he eats candy bars. Fuck that, your fat because god is trying to kill you.

So I am about to finally buy my nightly brew, after waiting for the hag to dig out correct change for her wine cooler and candy bars, and ALREADY GETS THE RECEIPT OF PURCHASE. She says, “Oh wait, I need to buy my GPC cigarettes.” So the register gal digs around a wall of cancer candy for nearly 3 minutes before she looks in the section that has ALL the GPC cigarettes. After all that the living cancer specimen hand her a$20 bill to pay for the smokes. Fuck.

After all that I felt that I should get another 6-pack and make the booze deal with this absurdity, but I didn’t want someone to have to hold my spot in line.

Fuck these people.

Friday, July 25, 2008

If they aren’t doing anything as Senators why would they do anything as Presidents?

Senators John McCain and Barack Obama have essentially been choosen to represent the two parties in this open party election process. I wish we could get the Whigs back just for some flavor in this crap. I have my choice for which less bad Senator I am going to try to put in the highest individual office in our country. The problem that stands yet unaddressed is this: these men are claiming that “If I were President I would … to fix this country.” Well you know what mother fuckers, you’re god damn Senators. That’s no joke.

I am not sure if you two are aware of this or not, but nothing in our Government gets done by one person. You aren’t going to be able to make and Executive Order to do whatever the hell you want. A lot of people have said that President Bush has done a lot of things upon his own volition, but you know what Congress (which Senators happen to be a part of) CAN TELL HIM NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And have read through your “If I were President…” statements. Well you know what, if you haven’t gotten done what you want done as a Senator, then how the hell do you expect to do it as President. You are Senators, it is your job to write, propose, and vote on legislation that will change the way the country behaves.

Sen. McCain, if you can’t influence enough of your fellow Senators; Republican, Democrat, or otherwise, to repeal the offshore drilling regulations; then how the hell are you going to do it as President. To everyone else in the world you will be President, and that will seem important, but when it is the JOB of Congress to make sure you don’t do something stupid; you are must another guy that needs to be argued against and shut down.

Sen. Obama, if you were President you would bring the war in Iraq to and end. First of all, you are a SENATOR in CONGRESS, I DON’T CARE WHAT THE President says or does if there are enough members of the Senate and the House that disagree with him, he can’t do shit. If you can’t get your branch of government to overturn the current situation then what makes you think that you will be able to keep them from overturning your plans.

Now, these are just two points of many issues concerning the prospective President. However; the point I am trying to make is that the men running for the highest office in the Executive Branch of the United States Government are men who already hold positions in the Legislative Branch of the United States Government. If they can not accomplish what they set out to accomplish at a lateral/lower level, what makes anybody think they can succeed at a higher level. If you have a mail clerk in your office who can’t read, would you promote him to office secretary?

And gentlemen, please remember, a President inherits their first term from the man before them, jus as President Bush inherited a still living Osama bin Laden from President Clinton, you too will inherit the benefits of an accomplished Iraqi War from President Bush.

Oh and why the hell is Obama campaigning in Europe none of them have any say in our election process. The Germans and French don’t mean shit to the United States. The only thing they are good for here is cheese and beer. Now I know that some of his trips were very conveniently timed official Congressional business, but Mr. Obama GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THE COUNTRY YOU WANT TO LEAD AND DO A DAMN THING THAT MATTERS. McCain may be following a campaign trail based on money, but hell, at least he is showing that he cares about the people that are actually CITIZENS of the country he wants to lead.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Boton Rice Candy - Something doing something in my mouth.

Box top.

The Return of Box Top.

Target: Botan Rice Candy


Packaging: I’m not sure which side of the box is the front. They both have equal amount of crazy Japanese cats and fat naked dudes. If I went by illustrations alone, like most children, I would have no idea rice was in this crap. I would imagine I am about to eat a cat.

This candy has to damn much wrapper. First there is the protective cigarette pack cellophane around the box. Then there is the box. Then each candy is individually wrapped bow-tie style. And finally there is some other wrapper that is as hard as piss to get off the candy. But that last wrapper doesn’t really mean anything because you are supposed to EAT IT.

The lip of the box says that the inner wrapper is edible, does that mean the cardboard box should be eaten, it is inside the cellophane. What the hell ever. The lid says that the inner wrapper melts in my mouth. Well I don’t like anything doing anything in my mouth so this is gonna be rough.

If you blow my mind I promise not to think in your mouth.

Candy: 3 of 10: The candy tastes really good, but the texture is something I would imagine gets people ready to be the bucket in a bukkake flick.

There are actually six in the box.

At first it feels unnatural to be stuffing a still wrapped candy in my mouth. It is all kinkily and shit. It feels like I am biting into a still wrapped peppermint.

The candy is immediately sticky. It is soft so I’m not worrying about any dental work, but instant you bite into it you end up just chewing on your own teeth. It quickly gets stringy and ropey. It feels like sucking cow spit threw a straw. The candy soon dissolves into this odd bio-mass.

If the candy doesn't get'em in the van maybe a free sticker will.
He must have a children in the trunk.

The final sensation is of a dry piece of dirt tucked stuck to my teeth up against my cheek. Strange. The taste is good enough. It’s unidentifiably citrusy. The flavor is very even throughout the entire time the candy is in your mouth. If it weren’t for the texture the candy would probably rate a 5 or 5.2. The texture is just as close as I’ve never wanted to be to having what I imagine jizz feeling like in my mouth.
Left - peeled. Right- With cum-coat.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Nestle Lion - Mike says, "RRRAAAAAAAAARRRRR"

Target: Nestle Lion – I first discovered this once while tromping around in Kuwait. It's another candy that isn’t very available in the States. But eater beware, it's some vicious shit.


Packaging: Right out in front is the ferociousness of a big ass lions head. Then next to it, for pre-schoolers and idiots, is the corresponding title of the big cat that is about to eat you. Nestle Lion bar, eat it before it eats you.

Whenever you pick this bar up don’t forget to watch your ass. If you notice the big lion taking up all the space on the wrapper is just a distraction. You see, this is how lions hunt. One big pussy gets out in front of you and distracts you, while another lion pounces onto your death from the lower right hand portion of the package.

Upside-down death from below.

I would also like to point out that there are two ingredient lists. One that breaks the chemical compounds for the geeks in the room and once that gives you the straight up street value of this piece. Notice that the street listing provides with two stories, one in which there is a wafer, one in which there is not. I think someone needs a good old fashion beat down to get there story straight. Lying punk bitch scum.

Also, notice near the hieroglyphics that Nestle decided to tell that the Lion is best before it is over, unlike any 311 song.

Candy: 9 of 10: This is one of my favorites. I don’t know if it is because I only find one every couple of years or if Nestle is just that good. The fist sensation is the popping of the little rice crispies embedded in the chocolate. Then you get to a good solid piece of chewy caramel. Not that runny baby snot crap that come out of a Caramello, but more of a Rolo type caramel.

Top view
Bottom view.

The caramel is nice and chewy, which is a good contrast to the crunchy rice and wafer product. Speaking of this elusive wafer character, is like a big Kit-Kat, not Big Kat big, just larger than average. Which I guess is a good thing, to have a larger than average wafer. But you know, if it weren’t for the smaller than average sized wafers then the average would be much bigger. So if you think about it, a slightly less than average sized wafer is as common as a larger one; and there is nothing wrong with that. So lets all just enjoy our “normal” Kit-Kat sized wafers when we get a chance to get one.

When eating the Lion (stoopid cat). I kind of breaks up. The caramel/rice/chocolate layer breaks off of the wafer section. Not a big deal but kinda weird.

The flavors of the Lion are not to many. You have a strong caramel taste and a light chocolate taste. They are both very good, but the caramel is the clear star. What brings this candy to a 9 from a 7is the textural feats of chewy, crispy, and wafer.
Nestle Lion - cross section.
Bitten, I think. (thanks to

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Nestle Aero - BubblesBubblesBubblesBubbles

Nestle Aero bar - Front wrapper

Target: Nestle’ Aero. Not a bunch of bashing, this is a good candy.

Packaging: More of an “older” style of packaging. A paper outer sleeve around an orangey-rusty looking foil paper wrapper. The big push on Aero bars is the whole “bubbly chocolate” thing. The wrapper slogan is “Have you felt the bubbles melt?” I've seen these on the internet forever but they aren’t very readily available in the States, so I am pretty excited I got my grubby little American hands on one. Anyway, the sleeve wrapper has the name “Aero” in big loopy font and a bunch of chocolate bubbles flying around like tits in a Wesley Emerson Jr film.

Foil Wrapper

Taste: 8.7 of 10: This is the straight forward chocolate flavor Aero bar. It is a really nice milk chocolate.

Top view
Bottom view

Finally seeing the bar in person, the bubbles are a lot smaller than I thought. Internet pictures make them look like a family of pigeons could live in the bubbles, but they are actually about the size of a large sewing needle eye.

The bubbles are uncannily evenly distributed in the bar. Through diligent research and sources I can’t name, I hear they shoot a drag of air through the bar as the inside cools. And that is the secret of Aero bubbles.

Nestle Aero Cross section
Nestle Aero cross section 2
Broken at perforation

The texture is different. It seems flakey as I chew a piece of the chocolate, but not dry, the bar melts quickly and smoothly and the flakeyness goes away. It turns into creamy smooth milky chocolate goodness.

It has a very nice chocolate flavor, sweet on the tip of the tongue and gets deeper as it moves to the back of your mouth and down your throat. It never gets biter, just a deeper more roasted chocolate flavor as it reaches your gullet.

There must be a technique for the bubbles. I tried small bites, large bites, letting it melt slowly, letting it just sit in my mouth, moving it around. It just feels like an airy chocolate. No specialness to it due to the bubbles, unless I just don’t know what to look for.
Once bitten