Absente: Absinthe Refined (to the point where it is no longer absinthe, nor was it ever)

We're hip, see, a picture of Can Gogh that wikipedia said people would recognize as hip.

Package and Product: Whoever made this is trying to tool you around every way they can with their packaging. There is no grande wormwood in it, which is like talking about a meatless hamburger patty. Instead they use some other species of wormwood. It was all a ploy to get around absinthe laws back in the early 2000’s before real absinthe was re-legalized. “Absente” is “absent” in French, which is a pretty good description of this liquor. The company makes a big ploy with all the old psycho artists from France drinking ABSINTHE, and how ABSINTHE was a great drink back in the day, and how ABSINTHE is some really good stuff; but tells you that THIS IS NOT ABSINTHE. What a bunch of asshats. So for an absinthe, this drink gets a big fat ZERO. However, as some dicked up Kool-Aid version of absinthe it isn’t all bad.

I miss the heady days. Gettin' all that head all the time.

We want to make sure you don't hurt yourself, so here are some pictures.

It kind of aggrevates me that there are instructions on how to mix this shit. You don't see everclear with a picture of a passed out chick getting peed on, everyone just know what is supposed to happen with everclear. Damn it, it's about time people figured out absinthe.

Scent: It smells okay. It has a light airy smell, but gets you in the head little bit. When I stick my nose in, like I’m trying to snort cocaine out of a 16 year old Chinese hookers rusty bullet wound, I can taste it (the booze, not the poop chute) over the back of my tongue. It has a floaty licorice smell, but it is very faint.

Color: The initial color is pretty. It looks like dark mellow-yellow. It is a little bit greener, a bit pale. Like a very tan, very sick mellow-yellow.

Louche: The louche looks like any other absinthe or absinthe imitation hooch. It gets cloudy. That’s it. I have drank several absinthes and as long as they get cloudy it all seems the same. It looks like some smashed up grapes.

Smashed grapes.


Smoked banana peels.

Flavor with sugar: All right, the important part. The absente taste very light, with not much flavor. It is very sweet, probably because I use 2 cubes as a base standard. It is not bitter at all, which can be good and bad, very smooth. However, the taste is not very deep. There is no anus, no fennel, no clove, nothing. Just licorice. Which isn’t really BAD I guess, just not very involved. Kind of like a stoned teenager at a church youth rally; only involved enough to get the most irony possible from his current situation. The drink is a little refreshing, so it is kind of nice.

Eh...here's one.

Flavor without sugar: This is bad. This is very bad. It is a very clean and sterile taste. It is a little hot going down the back of my throat; this stuff is 110 proof, but I thinned it at 3:1 water to absente. Not very flavorful, the licorice taste that was there a moment ago really gets lost without the sugar. I can’t taste it anywhere but on the side of the back of my tongue. There is a slight sensation on the tip of my tongue. It reminds me of what I imagine that wintergreen rubbing alcohol tasting like.

Pretty much.

Blame these assholes.

Absinthe score: 0
Licorice liquor: 4 of 5 (with sugar)
1 of 5 (without sugar)

Le Tourment Vert: The Green Torment

Box and Bottle

Finally, absinthe is legal again, and starting to be more and more accessible. I found this bottle in a specialty foods store that had a fairly large booze selection. I am not going to go into the story of absinthe and how real absinthe has never mad people hallucinate any more than any other alcohol or any of that rubbish. For all that check out http://www.absintheoriginals.com/absinthe_FAQ.html.

Sealed

Distiller

Scent: The first thing you smell, with the tip of your nose is an artificially minty smell. It smells almost like a bunch of York peppermint patty’s swished around in Scope. The follow-up scent is a full, think licorice smell; which to me is great. Not until the end of the sniff do you get the 100 proof alcohol nose hair burns.

Color: The color looks like it was manufactured to hold a light-green hue. Sitting in the glass it looks like a nice, clean emerald. You could put this in a Scope bottle and no could tell the difference. Actually, I think the makers may have been in such a hurry to get this on the shelves once the ban was lifted they thinned out some Scope with some Everclear and called it good enough.

Le Tourment Vert profile

Le Tourment Vert above

Louche: The louche is green and dense. It looks like a foggy green cloud in a glass. It is not very smooth in its development. At one point it is clear emerald green, then all of a sudden it is cloudy aqua.

First drop of water and sugar

Oil, sugar, water, and alcohol

Louch profile

Louch above

Flavor with sugar: I drink my absinthe with two sugar cubes, and mix the tradition 1:4 ratio. This mouthwash tastes pretty nice, it has a strong mint overtone but with a very heavy, strong, full licorice flavor. Either the people who make this are masters of their craft at a level higher than anyone else in the world, or this has some artificial licorice in it. I really can’t taste anything else. It tastes like a boozed-up, liquefied Good & Plenty. Not bad.

Preparation profile

Preparation above

PREPARATION 3D X-TREAM!!!!!!

Cube remains on a spoon

Flavor without sugar: Tastes nothing like a Good & Plenty. Has the same minty taste upfront with the overpowering licorice flavor throughout. The hot alcohol sensation only arrives after you swallow the elixir. The oils in the drink are much more apparent without sugar. I can feel them roll around on top of my tongue, and slide to my throat before being swallowed. It is a bit more if a sensation than drinking it with sugar, but I like it sugar better, always.

Overall: 7.6 of 10 (I really like Good & Plenty’s)

Ready to drink.