Sunday, June 29, 2008

Vosges - Mo's Bacon Bar: Bacon chocolate, a dream come true?

Target: Vosges - Mo's Bacon Bar. I’ve heard legends about such a thing as bacon infused chocolate but never before have I laid eyes on such a beautiful sight. This must have been what Cortez felt like when he laid eyes on the land of gold and then laid waste to all those poor Mexicans.

Good deal on gluten.


Packaging: I guess since this thing is an odd combination of food it must be gourmet. For some reason whenever somebody throws together a few weird food items it is auto-gourmet. Like if I combined an Eskimo and an Algerian it would be gourmet people. Anyway, fancy food must come in fancy packages, whatever happened to a stick of chocolate wrapped in a piece of foil. I miss the old days when any old creep could slip rat poison into the candy while it was still on the store shelves. The box flips open at the top and reveals a sealed foil package that contains the chocolate.

Foil sub-wrapper.

The front cover of the box has a large picture of still sizzling bacon (that gets me going like cheerleading finals on ESPN). Next to it is a picture of a much smaller piece of chocolate. This leads me to believe that there will be much more bacon taste than chocolate. It also leads me to believe that the creator of this candy hates islam.

The box gives a “delectable” summary of ingredients by telling what kind of wood was smoked (Hey, what has two thumbs and likes their wood smoked? This guy.) and a couple other expensive adjectives. One thing that catches my eye is the “41% cacao”. Giving cacao percentages is a way for candy makers to seem fancy and to let you know how many Oompa-loompa’s you can buy with the candy. The problem is that I like sweet milk chocolate (a la Hershey’s) or seriously bitter dark chocolate (80%+ cacao). This half ass 41% shit isn’t gonna cut it.

Candy: 5.1 of 10 (Worth the 8 bucks only once. Ever.): The candy itself has a picture of some psycho-bitch lost in a weird Mobius strip kind of situation. She has a Vosges bag in her hand. I can only imagine that she has the chocolate she is on in the bag. Which means that she herself is in the bag she is carrying. Weird.

This chick must have done something to piss off god.

The fist sensation in my mouth is that of salty chocolate. It’s like eating a rotten chocolate bar after it finished a game of basketball. The next thing that happens is what I expected when I saw the 41% cacao. The chocolate begins to turn to the bitter side but stops well short of tasting good. It’s like when you take a sip out of a cup you think has milk in it but it ends up being orange juice. It is an unpleasant flavor stutter. This must be the half-mental brother of milk chocolate and dark chocolate. I think the chocolate parents tried to keep it locked-up in the shed outside while company was at the house.

Top View

Broken profile

Bottom view
Now the salty taste is coming on a little stronger, in tow with it is the flavor of wonderful Muslim repellant. MMMM, bacon…wait don’t go.

The bacon taste is fleeting, but nice. It is a bit stronger when you let the chocolate melt a little in your mouth and then just start chewing. I guess your teeth extract al the great baconness from the meat bits. About halfway through the chew the bitter chocolate drops out again and the bacon really matures. This is how it should taste throughout.
The chocolate has a nice smooth texture with a creamy melt. The bacon bits are chewy, but dry. It’s like the bacon has been sitting out on a greasy paper towel all day since breakfast and you finally decide to eat it before bed. The candy finishes pretty smooth, except for a bunch of bacon pieces floating around in my mouth like morons in a public swimming pool. And at the end you get a nice lingering aftertaste of ass-uped chocolate that the maker couldn’t decide if he wanted milk or dark chocolate.

Vosges - Mo's Bacon Bar cross section


Friday, June 27, 2008

Swisslion Takovo choco banana – Tribal dick fighting, space banana piece of shit.

Target: Swisslion Takovo choco banana. I have no idea what is supposed to be going on with this outrageous shit. I have never heard of neither the brand nor a candy similar. This was given to me by a friend whose motives are questionable, especially since the box says it expired 5 months ago. Yet I’ll dive in head first anyway, the worst that can happen is my skull cracking open and my brains leaking out into a raccoon den.

Packaging: This is one of the best. The front proudly displays two peeled dicks in and epic sword fight over a bush. It appears to be based on some south Pacific tribal ceremony; due to the sub-tropical jungle surrounding the clearing for the duel. I wonder if the bride to be is actually in the middle having skinned dongs whacked around her face or if it is just an artistic representation identifying the central importance of the aggressive yogurt breathing banana dragons.

Moving away from the chocolate dipped dicks, let’s focus on another issue with this stuff. What the hell kind of technology goes into sticking bananas into chocolate, is there a team of intergalactic robots farting space chocolate onto bananas that haven’t been discovered yet. I guess Swisslion Takovo is the place to go for using way too much effort to dip a banana in chocolate. I here Disney just buys theirs from bloody-fingered children in Malaysia.
Intergalactic space labor for 20 cents a hour.

Ingredients: Thirteen. No, not thirteen ingredients. Thirteen languages, and none of them are English. There aren’t even any Spanish ingredients. The western hemisphere is clearly not ready for what I am about to unleash upon myself. If you feel your house shake that is probably my head exploding. I have never seen a candy so devoted to being applicable to as many people as possible. Not only does the front of the box cover the extremes by addressing naked tribesmen and space robots fueled by Brussels sprouts, but just for good measure they address 13 different languages to make damn sure everyone in the universe except me knows what the hell is in this thing. Oh wait, I found the English. So what do we have here, “Foamy dessert coated with chocolate.”

Some ingredients

Foamy…what the fuck ever.

First ingredient is… “chocolate mass”. What the hell is this thing? Foamy dessert? Chocolate mass? It’s a foamy chocolate mass. I can’t begin to imagine how someone would come up with this goofy shit. WHAT THE HELL IS “CHOCOLATE MASS”? Does it not take up any space and therefore cannot be considered chocolate matter? No wonder so much fucking technology goes into this thing. They have somehow created a mass of chocolate that takes up no space. This shit would blow Einstein’s fucking mind.


But you know, it’s just chocolate and banana…right. Wait a minute, if I turn my back on the bananas in my kitchen for a second they turn to bread ingredients. How are they staying fresh in the room temperature box for so long? They must be dehydrated bananas. Either way I feel a disturbance in the force. Something isn’t fucking straight around here.

Candy: 1.7 of 10 (I could eat the entire thing due only to my iron will):
holy shit, it’s a piece of shit.
Top view
Bottom view
The friend who gave this to me must be trying to trick me. Somebody took a dump and heat sealed it into a wrapper. The sub-wrapper has some nice gold writing on it, BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER. A piece of shit with gold stacked on it is still a piece of shit. One of those robots must have let a diver slip and didn’t tell anyone. I need some kinky German chick to sample this thing for me and let me know if it is at least a quality turd, I wouldn’t know how to judge.

When I opened the sub-wrapper I caught a whiff of Moon-Pie. This is not good seeing as how I really don’t like Moon pies. Before my teeth completely severe the first bite from the rest of the candy I realize the candy is made up out of that weird fake marshmallow candy – just like a Moon-Pie, just stiffer. The fake marshmallow is a bit grainy, I don’t know if that is just one more attempt to make this candy less pleasing to eat or if it is because it expired in January. The overall texture is like chewing on a piece of Grandpa’s scalp that I found soaking in the corner of the guest shower.

While expecting an exotic blend of chocolate and banana flavors, this Peep-turd slaps me in the face with lemon. Lemon? Where the hell did that come from? The dominant flavor in this BANANA candy is LEMON. This entire situation is fucking me up. I think I’ll go buy some heroin from that ice cream truck in my top hat. After about a five second delay post-swallow, the banana and chocolate flavors start elbowing their way into my crying mouth. It tastes like a banana flavored Runt, which I hate, and some cheap Easter candy chocolate. So in the end, this lemony Moon-Pie shit dick of a candy tastes like an old Moon-Pie that has been sitting in the fruit basket of a long abandoned shack out near a murky lake. Fuck that. I have however deciphered the yellow slogan at the bottom of the front of the box, “Penasti desert preliven cokoladom” means “Nasty desert that prevails with cock-dom.”
Swisslion Takovo - Choco Banana cross section

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Milky Way Crispy Rolls - Candy in the dirt.

Target: Milky Way Crispy Rolls. Racism in a wonderfully crispy tube.

Ingredients (Spanish in Europe, Mexican in the States)
Non-jibberish ingredients

Packaging: Seems normal enough. One side of the front loudly proclaims its Milky Wayness. As if to say, “I’m made by Milky Way, so you can try me without ending up eating toasted sesame candy or some other goofy shit.” The other half of the front shows the candy you are about to eat laying on the ground in some old dead grass and a couple of dirty gold bars.

I must say that it doesn’t seem like anyone was paid to think of a name. Almost as if they planned on going with just Milky Way and then remembered they already had a candy by that name. Then some executive was like, “Oh damn, we have to slap a name on this shit.”

The one things that catches my eye on the wrapper are the exploding hearts (go fuck yourself grammar Nazi). Is this some sort of warning that my heart may explode if I eat this shit. It is like the birth control pill that says its side effects may include: heart murmer, runny nose, itchy eyes, death, loose stool, hard stool, black stool, blushing, dizziness, headache, eternal life, bitchyness, AIDS, unexpected pregnancy, hammer toe, and baldness.

Your heart a-splode.

Another thing about this is you have to guess that there are 2 bars in the package (unlike the Good Children). There is no forewarning for retards that there are two bars (non-individually wrapped) so you better be damn hungry (or at least not a small girl or a homo) when you open the package. Cause if you aren’t, you are going to have the extra bar laying around in some dead grass somewhere.

Candy: 7.3 of 11: The first thing that came to mind was to suck the cream out of the wafer tube. Oh, yeah, I like the cream to be sucked out; just as long as it isn’t me doing it. The cream is a vanilla tasting cream. It contrasts well with the chocolate robe around the candy tube. The filling has a creamy cream texture, it is like a soft yogurt packed into a crunchy chocolate toilet paper roll.
Top view
Bottom view

The wafers are nice and light, not a big thick wafer like some sugar wafer candies. Not a whole lot of flavor, but ALL the texture of the candy comes off from the wafer. It also helps the chocolate stay rigid even after the cream filling has been orally evacuated from the assembly.

The chocolate is nice. It is good old Mars brand chocolate, except better than the Mars chocolate in the States. A lot of European countries (I’m pretty sure this thing came from Spain in a round about way) have a higher standard to be able to call their brown stuff chocolate than in the States. Sorta like our steak
and their steak
except in this case ours is better. And what the hell is going on with the biscuit hat.

The mix of vanilla filling and chocolate enrobing is a very good combination. The tastes complement each other and don’t overpower one another. At first I thought it was just another chocolate vanilla pairing and nothing more. However, the more I looked at the exploding hearts above the “i” in Milky Way, the more I came to realize something.


That’s right, this candy is racist. Those exploding hearts are actually people. Notice how the white guy is in front of the black guy. The candy itself, first you may think that it is showing how black and white can work together due to the no conflicting flavors… but you are wrong. It is actually showing how good it is to have the two separate. Notice how the vanilla (whitie) and the chocolate (brothuh’s) are separated by the wafer wall of injustice. “Keeping the two separate seems to be the only way to make peace.” , this candy seemed to say.

Even with all the hate, this candy has a nice overall texture. I really like using wafers as a crunchy texture base. Without the wafers the candy would be to damn soft, it would be like a coagulated milkshake.
Milky Way Crispy Rolls - cross section

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Kinder Bueno: Mother fuckin' milk and nuts.

Kinder Bueno - Wrapper Front

Target: Kinder Bueno. I know bueno means "good", but kinder sure as shit ain’t Spanish so I’ll have to believe Wikipedia and say it means "children" in German. So apparently some Spaniard and some Kraut walked around a corner in France and started a war, and this was the result.


Packaging: Boldly simple. The two main colors are white and a burnt orange type color. Where the colors meet the white is kinda wavy, I guess it is trying to convey the fact that milk is generally a liquid. The name “kinder bueno” shares equal headline space with an image of the two kinder bueno bars contained within.

There is also another picture of some milk and a busted nut (hazel I would assume), and some sort of flower (fucking hippies getting into my candy).

Above the picture of the candy is yet another representation of milk and hazelnuts. It is a fairly plain white type on a blue back that says “milk and hazelnuts. I GET IT, IT HAS FUCKING MILK AND HAZELNUTS. The only senses left out are and an audio recording and some damn brail or some shit.

Inside the packaging there is more packaging. I don’t like candy with more than two layers of horses ass wrapping, so this one broke lucky. Although I am sure if I got the six bar packaging there would be some middle man wrapper to deal with.

Top view sub-wrapper

Profile sub-wrapper

Bottom view sub-wrapper, with little bubble-gum-opener-thing

Well there are two bars like the outer wrapper said. Which is good, it helps with the outer wrappers credibility, I would have been pissed if there was one bar with two sub-wrappers. There is a little gold tab (like on a fresh pack of cigarettes) on the individual bar wrappers. Let’s see what happens when I pull it...


Turd bar

Melted. I fucking hate Ari-fucking-zona sum-fucking-umers.
This candy came all the way from Eurovania in a backpack without breaking, and this damn heat is just gonna turn it to a fucking turd.

Well, while I refrigerate my Good Children back to a non-liquid state here some crap about this thing. It is mad e by Ferrero.

Well, shit. No damn wonder there is all the crap about hazelnuts. Ferrerro are the guys that make those overpriced Ferrero Rocher candies, the little chocolate and nut puff balls in the gold wrapper with the Reese’s cup thing on the bottom. (Those bithces are like, a buck fifty for three of them in a little suppository tube). The also make Nutella. Now that is some high quality nut butter.

Candy: 7 of 10: Upon first bite it is creamely waffery. If you every wanted to eat a creamy wafer, this is your candy. It is a little nutty, deffinatly could use some Nutella spread on top. There is only the least amount of chocolate taste. However, all the tastes blend well together. It tastes like a more mild Ferrero Rocher. It is much easier to eat, it isn’t slightly to big for one bite as the Rocher are. If you would put warm whipped-cream on a Kit-Kat bar it might taste like this. The candy is set up as four connected segments. I guess you could break the segments up like a retarded Kit-Kat but it seems to me more trouble than just biting the damn thing.

Unwrappped after frigeration

Left- Broke along perforation. Right- Cut along perforation.

The wafer just barely resists your teeth as they come crushing down into the creamy hazzlenut center. It is a slightly less than satisfying bite. Although is feels like biting down into what I imagine a moist cricket would feel like it is not a necessarily bad texture. The bar holds up well in the trauma area of a bite, no structural deformation behind the bite area.

Sliced down the center. Kinder Bueno cross section.