Kinder Bueno: Mother fuckin' milk and nuts.

Kinder Bueno - Wrapper Front

Target: Kinder Bueno. I know bueno means "good", but kinder sure as shit ain’t Spanish so I’ll have to believe Wikipedia and say it means "children" in German. So apparently some Spaniard and some Kraut walked around a corner in France and started a war, and this was the result.

Ingredients

Hieroglyphics

Packaging: Boldly simple. The two main colors are white and a burnt orange type color. Where the colors meet the white is kinda wavy, I guess it is trying to convey the fact that milk is generally a liquid. The name “kinder bueno” shares equal headline space with an image of the two kinder bueno bars contained within.

There is also another picture of some milk and a busted nut (hazel I would assume), and some sort of flower (fucking hippies getting into my candy).

Above the picture of the candy is yet another representation of milk and hazelnuts. It is a fairly plain white type on a blue back that says “milk and hazelnuts. I GET IT, IT HAS FUCKING MILK AND HAZELNUTS. The only senses left out are and an audio recording and some damn brail or some shit.

Inside the packaging there is more packaging. I don’t like candy with more than two layers of horses ass wrapping, so this one broke lucky. Although I am sure if I got the six bar packaging there would be some middle man wrapper to deal with.

Top view sub-wrapper

Profile sub-wrapper

Bottom view sub-wrapper, with little bubble-gum-opener-thing

Well there are two bars like the outer wrapper said. Which is good, it helps with the outer wrappers credibility, I would have been pissed if there was one bar with two sub-wrappers. There is a little gold tab (like on a fresh pack of cigarettes) on the individual bar wrappers. Let’s see what happens when I pull it...

DICK!!!

Turd bar

Melted. I fucking hate Ari-fucking-zona sum-fucking-umers.
This candy came all the way from Eurovania in a backpack without breaking, and this damn heat is just gonna turn it to a fucking turd.

Well, while I refrigerate my Good Children back to a non-liquid state here some crap about this thing. It is mad e by Ferrero.

Well, shit. No damn wonder there is all the crap about hazelnuts. Ferrerro are the guys that make those overpriced Ferrero Rocher candies, the little chocolate and nut puff balls in the gold wrapper with the Reese’s cup thing on the bottom. (Those bithces are like, a buck fifty for three of them in a little suppository tube). The also make Nutella. Now that is some high quality nut butter.

Candy: 7 of 10: Upon first bite it is creamely waffery. If you every wanted to eat a creamy wafer, this is your candy. It is a little nutty, deffinatly could use some Nutella spread on top. There is only the least amount of chocolate taste. However, all the tastes blend well together. It tastes like a more mild Ferrero Rocher. It is much easier to eat, it isn’t slightly to big for one bite as the Rocher are. If you would put warm whipped-cream on a Kit-Kat bar it might taste like this. The candy is set up as four connected segments. I guess you could break the segments up like a retarded Kit-Kat but it seems to me more trouble than just biting the damn thing.

Unwrappped after frigeration

Left- Broke along perforation. Right- Cut along perforation.

The wafer just barely resists your teeth as they come crushing down into the creamy hazzlenut center. It is a slightly less than satisfying bite. Although is feels like biting down into what I imagine a moist cricket would feel like it is not a necessarily bad texture. The bar holds up well in the trauma area of a bite, no structural deformation behind the bite area.

Sliced down the center. Kinder Bueno cross section.

Bitten.