Sunday, June 22, 2008

Milky Way Crispy Rolls - Candy in the dirt.

Target: Milky Way Crispy Rolls. Racism in a wonderfully crispy tube.

Ingredients (Spanish in Europe, Mexican in the States)
Non-jibberish ingredients

Packaging: Seems normal enough. One side of the front loudly proclaims its Milky Wayness. As if to say, “I’m made by Milky Way, so you can try me without ending up eating toasted sesame candy or some other goofy shit.” The other half of the front shows the candy you are about to eat laying on the ground in some old dead grass and a couple of dirty gold bars.

I must say that it doesn’t seem like anyone was paid to think of a name. Almost as if they planned on going with just Milky Way and then remembered they already had a candy by that name. Then some executive was like, “Oh damn, we have to slap a name on this shit.”

The one things that catches my eye on the wrapper are the exploding hearts (go fuck yourself grammar Nazi). Is this some sort of warning that my heart may explode if I eat this shit. It is like the birth control pill that says its side effects may include: heart murmer, runny nose, itchy eyes, death, loose stool, hard stool, black stool, blushing, dizziness, headache, eternal life, bitchyness, AIDS, unexpected pregnancy, hammer toe, and baldness.

Your heart a-splode.

Another thing about this is you have to guess that there are 2 bars in the package (unlike the Good Children). There is no forewarning for retards that there are two bars (non-individually wrapped) so you better be damn hungry (or at least not a small girl or a homo) when you open the package. Cause if you aren’t, you are going to have the extra bar laying around in some dead grass somewhere.

Candy: 7.3 of 11: The first thing that came to mind was to suck the cream out of the wafer tube. Oh, yeah, I like the cream to be sucked out; just as long as it isn’t me doing it. The cream is a vanilla tasting cream. It contrasts well with the chocolate robe around the candy tube. The filling has a creamy cream texture, it is like a soft yogurt packed into a crunchy chocolate toilet paper roll.
Top view
Bottom view

The wafers are nice and light, not a big thick wafer like some sugar wafer candies. Not a whole lot of flavor, but ALL the texture of the candy comes off from the wafer. It also helps the chocolate stay rigid even after the cream filling has been orally evacuated from the assembly.

The chocolate is nice. It is good old Mars brand chocolate, except better than the Mars chocolate in the States. A lot of European countries (I’m pretty sure this thing came from Spain in a round about way) have a higher standard to be able to call their brown stuff chocolate than in the States. Sorta like our steak
and their steak
except in this case ours is better. And what the hell is going on with the biscuit hat.

The mix of vanilla filling and chocolate enrobing is a very good combination. The tastes complement each other and don’t overpower one another. At first I thought it was just another chocolate vanilla pairing and nothing more. However, the more I looked at the exploding hearts above the “i” in Milky Way, the more I came to realize something.


That’s right, this candy is racist. Those exploding hearts are actually people. Notice how the white guy is in front of the black guy. The candy itself, first you may think that it is showing how black and white can work together due to the no conflicting flavors… but you are wrong. It is actually showing how good it is to have the two separate. Notice how the vanilla (whitie) and the chocolate (brothuh’s) are separated by the wafer wall of injustice. “Keeping the two separate seems to be the only way to make peace.” , this candy seemed to say.

Even with all the hate, this candy has a nice overall texture. I really like using wafers as a crunchy texture base. Without the wafers the candy would be to damn soft, it would be like a coagulated milkshake.
Milky Way Crispy Rolls - cross section

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