Friday, July 25, 2008

If they aren’t doing anything as Senators why would they do anything as Presidents?

Senators John McCain and Barack Obama have essentially been choosen to represent the two parties in this open party election process. I wish we could get the Whigs back just for some flavor in this crap. I have my choice for which less bad Senator I am going to try to put in the highest individual office in our country. The problem that stands yet unaddressed is this: these men are claiming that “If I were President I would … to fix this country.” Well you know what mother fuckers, you’re god damn Senators. That’s no joke.

I am not sure if you two are aware of this or not, but nothing in our Government gets done by one person. You aren’t going to be able to make and Executive Order to do whatever the hell you want. A lot of people have said that President Bush has done a lot of things upon his own volition, but you know what Congress (which Senators happen to be a part of) CAN TELL HIM NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And have read through your “If I were President…” statements. Well you know what, if you haven’t gotten done what you want done as a Senator, then how the hell do you expect to do it as President. You are Senators, it is your job to write, propose, and vote on legislation that will change the way the country behaves.

Sen. McCain, if you can’t influence enough of your fellow Senators; Republican, Democrat, or otherwise, to repeal the offshore drilling regulations; then how the hell are you going to do it as President. To everyone else in the world you will be President, and that will seem important, but when it is the JOB of Congress to make sure you don’t do something stupid; you are must another guy that needs to be argued against and shut down.

Sen. Obama, if you were President you would bring the war in Iraq to and end. First of all, you are a SENATOR in CONGRESS, I DON’T CARE WHAT THE President says or does if there are enough members of the Senate and the House that disagree with him, he can’t do shit. If you can’t get your branch of government to overturn the current situation then what makes you think that you will be able to keep them from overturning your plans.

Now, these are just two points of many issues concerning the prospective President. However; the point I am trying to make is that the men running for the highest office in the Executive Branch of the United States Government are men who already hold positions in the Legislative Branch of the United States Government. If they can not accomplish what they set out to accomplish at a lateral/lower level, what makes anybody think they can succeed at a higher level. If you have a mail clerk in your office who can’t read, would you promote him to office secretary?

And gentlemen, please remember, a President inherits their first term from the man before them, jus as President Bush inherited a still living Osama bin Laden from President Clinton, you too will inherit the benefits of an accomplished Iraqi War from President Bush.

Oh and why the hell is Obama campaigning in Europe none of them have any say in our election process. The Germans and French don’t mean shit to the United States. The only thing they are good for here is cheese and beer. Now I know that some of his trips were very conveniently timed official Congressional business, but Mr. Obama GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THE COUNTRY YOU WANT TO LEAD AND DO A DAMN THING THAT MATTERS. McCain may be following a campaign trail based on money, but hell, at least he is showing that he cares about the people that are actually CITIZENS of the country he wants to lead.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Boton Rice Candy - Something doing something in my mouth.

Box top.

The Return of Box Top.

Target: Botan Rice Candy


Packaging: I’m not sure which side of the box is the front. They both have equal amount of crazy Japanese cats and fat naked dudes. If I went by illustrations alone, like most children, I would have no idea rice was in this crap. I would imagine I am about to eat a cat.

This candy has to damn much wrapper. First there is the protective cigarette pack cellophane around the box. Then there is the box. Then each candy is individually wrapped bow-tie style. And finally there is some other wrapper that is as hard as piss to get off the candy. But that last wrapper doesn’t really mean anything because you are supposed to EAT IT.

The lip of the box says that the inner wrapper is edible, does that mean the cardboard box should be eaten, it is inside the cellophane. What the hell ever. The lid says that the inner wrapper melts in my mouth. Well I don’t like anything doing anything in my mouth so this is gonna be rough.

If you blow my mind I promise not to think in your mouth.

Candy: 3 of 10: The candy tastes really good, but the texture is something I would imagine gets people ready to be the bucket in a bukkake flick.

There are actually six in the box.

At first it feels unnatural to be stuffing a still wrapped candy in my mouth. It is all kinkily and shit. It feels like I am biting into a still wrapped peppermint.

The candy is immediately sticky. It is soft so I’m not worrying about any dental work, but instant you bite into it you end up just chewing on your own teeth. It quickly gets stringy and ropey. It feels like sucking cow spit threw a straw. The candy soon dissolves into this odd bio-mass.

If the candy doesn't get'em in the van maybe a free sticker will.
He must have a children in the trunk.

The final sensation is of a dry piece of dirt tucked stuck to my teeth up against my cheek. Strange. The taste is good enough. It’s unidentifiably citrusy. The flavor is very even throughout the entire time the candy is in your mouth. If it weren’t for the texture the candy would probably rate a 5 or 5.2. The texture is just as close as I’ve never wanted to be to having what I imagine jizz feeling like in my mouth.
Left - peeled. Right- With cum-coat.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Nestle Lion - Mike says, "RRRAAAAAAAAARRRRR"

Target: Nestle Lion – I first discovered this once while tromping around in Kuwait. It's another candy that isn’t very available in the States. But eater beware, it's some vicious shit.


Packaging: Right out in front is the ferociousness of a big ass lions head. Then next to it, for pre-schoolers and idiots, is the corresponding title of the big cat that is about to eat you. Nestle Lion bar, eat it before it eats you.

Whenever you pick this bar up don’t forget to watch your ass. If you notice the big lion taking up all the space on the wrapper is just a distraction. You see, this is how lions hunt. One big pussy gets out in front of you and distracts you, while another lion pounces onto your death from the lower right hand portion of the package.

Upside-down death from below.

I would also like to point out that there are two ingredient lists. One that breaks the chemical compounds for the geeks in the room and once that gives you the straight up street value of this piece. Notice that the street listing provides with two stories, one in which there is a wafer, one in which there is not. I think someone needs a good old fashion beat down to get there story straight. Lying punk bitch scum.

Also, notice near the hieroglyphics that Nestle decided to tell that the Lion is best before it is over, unlike any 311 song.

Candy: 9 of 10: This is one of my favorites. I don’t know if it is because I only find one every couple of years or if Nestle is just that good. The fist sensation is the popping of the little rice crispies embedded in the chocolate. Then you get to a good solid piece of chewy caramel. Not that runny baby snot crap that come out of a Caramello, but more of a Rolo type caramel.

Top view
Bottom view.

The caramel is nice and chewy, which is a good contrast to the crunchy rice and wafer product. Speaking of this elusive wafer character, is like a big Kit-Kat, not Big Kat big, just larger than average. Which I guess is a good thing, to have a larger than average wafer. But you know, if it weren’t for the smaller than average sized wafers then the average would be much bigger. So if you think about it, a slightly less than average sized wafer is as common as a larger one; and there is nothing wrong with that. So lets all just enjoy our “normal” Kit-Kat sized wafers when we get a chance to get one.

When eating the Lion (stoopid cat). I kind of breaks up. The caramel/rice/chocolate layer breaks off of the wafer section. Not a big deal but kinda weird.

The flavors of the Lion are not to many. You have a strong caramel taste and a light chocolate taste. They are both very good, but the caramel is the clear star. What brings this candy to a 9 from a 7is the textural feats of chewy, crispy, and wafer.
Nestle Lion - cross section.
Bitten, I think. (thanks to

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Nestle Aero - BubblesBubblesBubblesBubbles

Nestle Aero bar - Front wrapper

Target: Nestle’ Aero. Not a bunch of bashing, this is a good candy.

Packaging: More of an “older” style of packaging. A paper outer sleeve around an orangey-rusty looking foil paper wrapper. The big push on Aero bars is the whole “bubbly chocolate” thing. The wrapper slogan is “Have you felt the bubbles melt?” I've seen these on the internet forever but they aren’t very readily available in the States, so I am pretty excited I got my grubby little American hands on one. Anyway, the sleeve wrapper has the name “Aero” in big loopy font and a bunch of chocolate bubbles flying around like tits in a Wesley Emerson Jr film.

Foil Wrapper

Taste: 8.7 of 10: This is the straight forward chocolate flavor Aero bar. It is a really nice milk chocolate.

Top view
Bottom view

Finally seeing the bar in person, the bubbles are a lot smaller than I thought. Internet pictures make them look like a family of pigeons could live in the bubbles, but they are actually about the size of a large sewing needle eye.

The bubbles are uncannily evenly distributed in the bar. Through diligent research and sources I can’t name, I hear they shoot a drag of air through the bar as the inside cools. And that is the secret of Aero bubbles.

Nestle Aero Cross section
Nestle Aero cross section 2
Broken at perforation

The texture is different. It seems flakey as I chew a piece of the chocolate, but not dry, the bar melts quickly and smoothly and the flakeyness goes away. It turns into creamy smooth milky chocolate goodness.

It has a very nice chocolate flavor, sweet on the tip of the tongue and gets deeper as it moves to the back of your mouth and down your throat. It never gets biter, just a deeper more roasted chocolate flavor as it reaches your gullet.

There must be a technique for the bubbles. I tried small bites, large bites, letting it melt slowly, letting it just sit in my mouth, moving it around. It just feels like an airy chocolate. No specialness to it due to the bubbles, unless I just don’t know what to look for.
Once bitten