Sunday, August 30, 2009

Absente: Absinthe Refined (to the point where it is no longer absinthe, nor was it ever)

We're hip, see, a picture of Can Gogh that wikipedia said people would recognize as hip.

Package and Product: Whoever made this is trying to tool you around every way they can with their packaging. There is no grande wormwood in it, which is like talking about a meatless hamburger patty. Instead they use some other species of wormwood. It was all a ploy to get around absinthe laws back in the early 2000’s before real absinthe was re-legalized. “Absente” is “absent” in French, which is a pretty good description of this liquor. The company makes a big ploy with all the old psycho artists from France drinking ABSINTHE, and how ABSINTHE was a great drink back in the day, and how ABSINTHE is some really good stuff; but tells you that THIS IS NOT ABSINTHE. What a bunch of asshats. So for an absinthe, this drink gets a big fat ZERO. However, as some dicked up Kool-Aid version of absinthe it isn’t all bad.

I miss the heady days. Gettin' all that head all the time.

We want to make sure you don't hurt yourself, so here are some pictures.

It kind of aggrevates me that there are instructions on how to mix this shit. You don't see everclear with a picture of a passed out chick getting peed on, everyone just know what is supposed to happen with everclear. Damn it, it's about time people figured out absinthe.

Scent: It smells okay. It has a light airy smell, but gets you in the head little bit. When I stick my nose in, like I’m trying to snort cocaine out of a 16 year old Chinese hookers rusty bullet wound, I can taste it (the booze, not the poop chute) over the back of my tongue. It has a floaty licorice smell, but it is very faint.

Color: The initial color is pretty. It looks like dark mellow-yellow. It is a little bit greener, a bit pale. Like a very tan, very sick mellow-yellow.

Louche: The louche looks like any other absinthe or absinthe imitation hooch. It gets cloudy. That’s it. I have drank several absinthes and as long as they get cloudy it all seems the same. It looks like some smashed up grapes.

Smashed grapes.

Smoked banana peels.

Flavor with sugar: All right, the important part. The absente taste very light, with not much flavor. It is very sweet, probably because I use 2 cubes as a base standard. It is not bitter at all, which can be good and bad, very smooth. However, the taste is not very deep. There is no anus, no fennel, no clove, nothing. Just licorice. Which isn’t really BAD I guess, just not very involved. Kind of like a stoned teenager at a church youth rally; only involved enough to get the most irony possible from his current situation. The drink is a little refreshing, so it is kind of nice.'s one.

Flavor without sugar: This is bad. This is very bad. It is a very clean and sterile taste. It is a little hot going down the back of my throat; this stuff is 110 proof, but I thinned it at 3:1 water to absente. Not very flavorful, the licorice taste that was there a moment ago really gets lost without the sugar. I can’t taste it anywhere but on the side of the back of my tongue. There is a slight sensation on the tip of my tongue. It reminds me of what I imagine that wintergreen rubbing alcohol tasting like.

Pretty much.

Blame these assholes.

Absinthe score: 0
Licorice liquor: 4 of 5 (with sugar)
1 of 5 (without sugar)