Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Boton Rice Candy - Something doing something in my mouth.


Box top.


The Return of Box Top.




Target: Botan Rice Candy

Hieroglyphics
Ingredients

Packaging: I’m not sure which side of the box is the front. They both have equal amount of crazy Japanese cats and fat naked dudes. If I went by illustrations alone, like most children, I would have no idea rice was in this crap. I would imagine I am about to eat a cat.

This candy has to damn much wrapper. First there is the protective cigarette pack cellophane around the box. Then there is the box. Then each candy is individually wrapped bow-tie style. And finally there is some other wrapper that is as hard as piss to get off the candy. But that last wrapper doesn’t really mean anything because you are supposed to EAT IT.

The lip of the box says that the inner wrapper is edible, does that mean the cardboard box should be eaten, it is inside the cellophane. What the hell ever. The lid says that the inner wrapper melts in my mouth. Well I don’t like anything doing anything in my mouth so this is gonna be rough.

If you blow my mind I promise not to think in your mouth.

Candy: 3 of 10: The candy tastes really good, but the texture is something I would imagine gets people ready to be the bucket in a bukkake flick.

There are actually six in the box.

At first it feels unnatural to be stuffing a still wrapped candy in my mouth. It is all kinkily and shit. It feels like I am biting into a still wrapped peppermint.

The candy is immediately sticky. It is soft so I’m not worrying about any dental work, but instant you bite into it you end up just chewing on your own teeth. It quickly gets stringy and ropey. It feels like sucking cow spit threw a straw. The candy soon dissolves into this odd bio-mass.

If the candy doesn't get'em in the van maybe a free sticker will.
He must have a children in the trunk.

The final sensation is of a dry piece of dirt tucked stuck to my teeth up against my cheek. Strange. The taste is good enough. It’s unidentifiably citrusy. The flavor is very even throughout the entire time the candy is in your mouth. If it weren’t for the texture the candy would probably rate a 5 or 5.2. The texture is just as close as I’ve never wanted to be to having what I imagine jizz feeling like in my mouth.
Left - peeled. Right- With cum-coat.
Bitten.

1 comment:

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