Friday, June 27, 2008

Swisslion Takovo choco banana – Tribal dick fighting, space banana piece of shit.

Target: Swisslion Takovo choco banana. I have no idea what is supposed to be going on with this outrageous shit. I have never heard of neither the brand nor a candy similar. This was given to me by a friend whose motives are questionable, especially since the box says it expired 5 months ago. Yet I’ll dive in head first anyway, the worst that can happen is my skull cracking open and my brains leaking out into a raccoon den.

Packaging: This is one of the best. The front proudly displays two peeled dicks in and epic sword fight over a bush. It appears to be based on some south Pacific tribal ceremony; due to the sub-tropical jungle surrounding the clearing for the duel. I wonder if the bride to be is actually in the middle having skinned dongs whacked around her face or if it is just an artistic representation identifying the central importance of the aggressive yogurt breathing banana dragons.

Moving away from the chocolate dipped dicks, let’s focus on another issue with this stuff. What the hell kind of technology goes into sticking bananas into chocolate, is there a team of intergalactic robots farting space chocolate onto bananas that haven’t been discovered yet. I guess Swisslion Takovo is the place to go for using way too much effort to dip a banana in chocolate. I here Disney just buys theirs from bloody-fingered children in Malaysia.
Intergalactic space labor for 20 cents a hour.

Ingredients: Thirteen. No, not thirteen ingredients. Thirteen languages, and none of them are English. There aren’t even any Spanish ingredients. The western hemisphere is clearly not ready for what I am about to unleash upon myself. If you feel your house shake that is probably my head exploding. I have never seen a candy so devoted to being applicable to as many people as possible. Not only does the front of the box cover the extremes by addressing naked tribesmen and space robots fueled by Brussels sprouts, but just for good measure they address 13 different languages to make damn sure everyone in the universe except me knows what the hell is in this thing. Oh wait, I found the English. So what do we have here, “Foamy dessert coated with chocolate.”

Some ingredients

Foamy…what the fuck ever.

First ingredient is… “chocolate mass”. What the hell is this thing? Foamy dessert? Chocolate mass? It’s a foamy chocolate mass. I can’t begin to imagine how someone would come up with this goofy shit. WHAT THE HELL IS “CHOCOLATE MASS”? Does it not take up any space and therefore cannot be considered chocolate matter? No wonder so much fucking technology goes into this thing. They have somehow created a mass of chocolate that takes up no space. This shit would blow Einstein’s fucking mind.


But you know, it’s just chocolate and banana…right. Wait a minute, if I turn my back on the bananas in my kitchen for a second they turn to bread ingredients. How are they staying fresh in the room temperature box for so long? They must be dehydrated bananas. Either way I feel a disturbance in the force. Something isn’t fucking straight around here.

Candy: 1.7 of 10 (I could eat the entire thing due only to my iron will):
holy shit, it’s a piece of shit.
Top view
Bottom view
The friend who gave this to me must be trying to trick me. Somebody took a dump and heat sealed it into a wrapper. The sub-wrapper has some nice gold writing on it, BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER. A piece of shit with gold stacked on it is still a piece of shit. One of those robots must have let a diver slip and didn’t tell anyone. I need some kinky German chick to sample this thing for me and let me know if it is at least a quality turd, I wouldn’t know how to judge.

When I opened the sub-wrapper I caught a whiff of Moon-Pie. This is not good seeing as how I really don’t like Moon pies. Before my teeth completely severe the first bite from the rest of the candy I realize the candy is made up out of that weird fake marshmallow candy – just like a Moon-Pie, just stiffer. The fake marshmallow is a bit grainy, I don’t know if that is just one more attempt to make this candy less pleasing to eat or if it is because it expired in January. The overall texture is like chewing on a piece of Grandpa’s scalp that I found soaking in the corner of the guest shower.

While expecting an exotic blend of chocolate and banana flavors, this Peep-turd slaps me in the face with lemon. Lemon? Where the hell did that come from? The dominant flavor in this BANANA candy is LEMON. This entire situation is fucking me up. I think I’ll go buy some heroin from that ice cream truck in my top hat. After about a five second delay post-swallow, the banana and chocolate flavors start elbowing their way into my crying mouth. It tastes like a banana flavored Runt, which I hate, and some cheap Easter candy chocolate. So in the end, this lemony Moon-Pie shit dick of a candy tastes like an old Moon-Pie that has been sitting in the fruit basket of a long abandoned shack out near a murky lake. Fuck that. I have however deciphered the yellow slogan at the bottom of the front of the box, “Penasti desert preliven cokoladom” means “Nasty desert that prevails with cock-dom.”
Swisslion Takovo - Choco Banana cross section


Anonymous said...

After having been blessed enough by life to try this amazing creation of man I found this post while researching what kind of technology I just ingested. This is officially the funniest thing I have ever read in my entire life. My entire shirt and desk are dripping with tears and snot. Thank you for that.

Anonymous said...

I had never seen nor heard of this candy before this morning. I work in a food warehouse and found it on the "about to expire/free/eat at own risk table". I googled and found your review. I sent the link to my husband, he said if I ate it in front of another man than it would be like cheating. Honestly, it didn't taste that bad, kind of like a cheaper version of Russel Stovers chocolate covered marshmallow in the shape of a whatever holiday we are close to.

Anonymous said...

Two expired cases of this candy were donated to me by an international food importer...I had no prior experience with the candy or the brand (which has 'technology' in its name)...I struggled to give it away...I decided to research the ingredients to determine a safe rate at which I could eat them (2 per week), then determine how many I should keep and how many I should compost, considering they're already a year past the 'best by' and 18 months is a good cut off. The ingredients aren't terrible relative to processed food in the USA. GMO soy lecithin might be the worst. The 'foamy' quality comes from egg whites....These things look just like turds!