Sunday, June 29, 2008

Vosges - Mo's Bacon Bar: Bacon chocolate, a dream come true?

Target: Vosges - Mo's Bacon Bar. I’ve heard legends about such a thing as bacon infused chocolate but never before have I laid eyes on such a beautiful sight. This must have been what Cortez felt like when he laid eyes on the land of gold and then laid waste to all those poor Mexicans.

Good deal on gluten.


Packaging: I guess since this thing is an odd combination of food it must be gourmet. For some reason whenever somebody throws together a few weird food items it is auto-gourmet. Like if I combined an Eskimo and an Algerian it would be gourmet people. Anyway, fancy food must come in fancy packages, whatever happened to a stick of chocolate wrapped in a piece of foil. I miss the old days when any old creep could slip rat poison into the candy while it was still on the store shelves. The box flips open at the top and reveals a sealed foil package that contains the chocolate.

Foil sub-wrapper.

The front cover of the box has a large picture of still sizzling bacon (that gets me going like cheerleading finals on ESPN). Next to it is a picture of a much smaller piece of chocolate. This leads me to believe that there will be much more bacon taste than chocolate. It also leads me to believe that the creator of this candy hates islam.

The box gives a “delectable” summary of ingredients by telling what kind of wood was smoked (Hey, what has two thumbs and likes their wood smoked? This guy.) and a couple other expensive adjectives. One thing that catches my eye is the “41% cacao”. Giving cacao percentages is a way for candy makers to seem fancy and to let you know how many Oompa-loompa’s you can buy with the candy. The problem is that I like sweet milk chocolate (a la Hershey’s) or seriously bitter dark chocolate (80%+ cacao). This half ass 41% shit isn’t gonna cut it.

Candy: 5.1 of 10 (Worth the 8 bucks only once. Ever.): The candy itself has a picture of some psycho-bitch lost in a weird Mobius strip kind of situation. She has a Vosges bag in her hand. I can only imagine that she has the chocolate she is on in the bag. Which means that she herself is in the bag she is carrying. Weird.

This chick must have done something to piss off god.

The fist sensation in my mouth is that of salty chocolate. It’s like eating a rotten chocolate bar after it finished a game of basketball. The next thing that happens is what I expected when I saw the 41% cacao. The chocolate begins to turn to the bitter side but stops well short of tasting good. It’s like when you take a sip out of a cup you think has milk in it but it ends up being orange juice. It is an unpleasant flavor stutter. This must be the half-mental brother of milk chocolate and dark chocolate. I think the chocolate parents tried to keep it locked-up in the shed outside while company was at the house.

Top View

Broken profile

Bottom view
Now the salty taste is coming on a little stronger, in tow with it is the flavor of wonderful Muslim repellant. MMMM, bacon…wait don’t go.

The bacon taste is fleeting, but nice. It is a bit stronger when you let the chocolate melt a little in your mouth and then just start chewing. I guess your teeth extract al the great baconness from the meat bits. About halfway through the chew the bitter chocolate drops out again and the bacon really matures. This is how it should taste throughout.
The chocolate has a nice smooth texture with a creamy melt. The bacon bits are chewy, but dry. It’s like the bacon has been sitting out on a greasy paper towel all day since breakfast and you finally decide to eat it before bed. The candy finishes pretty smooth, except for a bunch of bacon pieces floating around in my mouth like morons in a public swimming pool. And at the end you get a nice lingering aftertaste of ass-uped chocolate that the maker couldn’t decide if he wanted milk or dark chocolate.

Vosges - Mo's Bacon Bar cross section


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