Sunday, August 24, 2008

Tracker - Not Granola, Not Candy, Not Good. Asshole.

Target: Tracker – someone needs to start tracking down the truck that just rolled down the hill. I think it is trying to move in on that “candy bar” “granola health crap” hybrid that all the candy companies are making. Well, as a note to all you companies doing that hybrid shit, CUT IT THE FUCK OUT. If I want granola I’ll eat some fucking Gorp. Unless I actually set out for fucking Gorp, I want a good tasting, makes me hyper, chocolate slathered, peanut butter, chocolate piece of shit that makes me fat. Also, I don't know who makes this thing, and I don't like that. It seems as though Mars at least distributes it, so we will blame everything on them. Asshole.

Packaging: The trackers package is nothing special. The most prominent things on it is the candy name and some bullshit self-righteous narrative about how this is a one of a kind candy bar. Asshole.

My mom says I'm special.
Let’s get to business about this auto-feltaing commentary. As much hot air as this thing blows up its own ass, the only ingredient that is identified is the whole grain that does nothing to improve upon the taste of this candy. Hoo-fucking-rah; congratulations “whole grain”, you didn’t fuck anything up. Asshole.

Whole grain is about as smart as wheat.

The best description of anything else you get is “…Crunch, Goo, and Chew…”. Fantastic, I’m about to ingest a cum covered pig nut rolled in sand; my definition of pleasure. Asshole.

Even in the ingredients don’t give the straight up. The first thing is “cereal bar with CRISPIES”. What the fuck is a “crispy”, is it a mummified Smurf, is it the other fucking “Thing”, I don’t know; take a bite and find out. Asshole.

And what the hell is a “choc’ chip. It sounds like somebody through some truck choc blocks in a grinder and sprinkled them on the freaking candy. Asshole.

Candy: 5 of 10:
When I bite into this one it feels a little like dried crickets, you know the one you forgot in your tackle box last summer. The top and bottom section, which I assume are “Crunch” and “Chew” respectively, are very brittle the only reason it doesn’t snap off like a frozen …uh... water popsicle is because “Goo” is a stripe of caramel holding the two together. I guess “Crunch” is the assortment of peanut, choc chip, and other goodies we see on top, and “Chew” is the granola bar on the bottom. Asshole.

With the General.

The fist thing I taste is a peanut buttery flavor, it is quickly followed up with a raw peanut taste. I would rather just eat a Quaker Oat peanut butter granola bar. The chocolate taste comes in at the end and is nothing special. Asshole.

For my money they can keep this thing in London. I liked trying it, but I wouldn’t ask a ship captain to pilot a zillion of these things across the Bermuda Triangle just to have the pleasure of it touching my lips. Asshole.
Tracker cross section.

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