If they aren’t doing anything as Senators why would they do anything as Presidents?

Senators John McCain and Barack Obama have essentially been choosen to represent the two parties in this open party election process. I wish we could get the Whigs back just for some flavor in this crap. I have my choice for which less bad Senator I am going to try to put in the highest individual office in our country. The problem that stands yet unaddressed is this: these men are claiming that “If I were President I would … to fix this country.” Well you know what mother fuckers, you’re god damn Senators. That’s no joke.

I am not sure if you two are aware of this or not, but nothing in our Government gets done by one person. You aren’t going to be able to make and Executive Order to do whatever the hell you want. A lot of people have said that President Bush has done a lot of things upon his own volition, but you know what Congress (which Senators happen to be a part of) CAN TELL HIM NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And have read through your “If I were President…” statements. Well you know what, if you haven’t gotten done what you want done as a Senator, then how the hell do you expect to do it as President. You are Senators, it is your job to write, propose, and vote on legislation that will change the way the country behaves.

Sen. McCain, if you can’t influence enough of your fellow Senators; Republican, Democrat, or otherwise, to repeal the offshore drilling regulations; then how the hell are you going to do it as President. To everyone else in the world you will be President, and that will seem important, but when it is the JOB of Congress to make sure you don’t do something stupid; you are must another guy that needs to be argued against and shut down.

Sen. Obama, if you were President you would bring the war in Iraq to and end. First of all, you are a SENATOR in CONGRESS, I DON’T CARE WHAT THE President says or does if there are enough members of the Senate and the House that disagree with him, he can’t do shit. If you can’t get your branch of government to overturn the current situation then what makes you think that you will be able to keep them from overturning your plans.

Now, these are just two points of many issues concerning the prospective President. However; the point I am trying to make is that the men running for the highest office in the Executive Branch of the United States Government are men who already hold positions in the Legislative Branch of the United States Government. If they can not accomplish what they set out to accomplish at a lateral/lower level, what makes anybody think they can succeed at a higher level. If you have a mail clerk in your office who can’t read, would you promote him to office secretary?

And gentlemen, please remember, a President inherits their first term from the man before them, jus as President Bush inherited a still living Osama bin Laden from President Clinton, you too will inherit the benefits of an accomplished Iraqi War from President Bush.

Oh and why the hell is Obama campaigning in Europe none of them have any say in our election process. The Germans and French don’t mean shit to the United States. The only thing they are good for here is cheese and beer. Now I know that some of his trips were very conveniently timed official Congressional business, but Mr. Obama GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THE COUNTRY YOU WANT TO LEAD AND DO A DAMN THING THAT MATTERS. McCain may be following a campaign trail based on money, but hell, at least he is showing that he cares about the people that are actually CITIZENS of the country he wants to lead.

Boton Rice Candy - Something doing something in my mouth.

Box top.


The Return of Box Top.

Target: Botan Rice Candy

Hieroglyphics

Ingredients

Packaging: I’m not sure which side of the box is the front. They both have equal amount of crazy Japanese cats and fat naked dudes. If I went by illustrations alone, like most children, I would have no idea rice was in this crap. I would imagine I am about to eat a cat.

This candy has to damn much wrapper. First there is the protective cigarette pack cellophane around the box. Then there is the box. Then each candy is individually wrapped bow-tie style. And finally there is some other wrapper that is as hard as piss to get off the candy. But that last wrapper doesn’t really mean anything because you are supposed to EAT IT.

The lip of the box says that the inner wrapper is edible, does that mean the cardboard box should be eaten, it is inside the cellophane. What the hell ever. The lid says that the inner wrapper melts in my mouth. Well I don’t like anything doing anything in my mouth so this is gonna be rough.

If you blow my mind I promise not to think in your mouth.

Candy: 3 of 10: The candy tastes really good, but the texture is something I would imagine gets people ready to be the bucket in a bukkake flick.

There are actually six in the box.

At first it feels unnatural to be stuffing a still wrapped candy in my mouth. It is all kinkily and shit. It feels like I am biting into a still wrapped peppermint.

The candy is immediately sticky. It is soft so I’m not worrying about any dental work, but instant you bite into it you end up just chewing on your own teeth. It quickly gets stringy and ropey. It feels like sucking cow spit threw a straw. The candy soon dissolves into this odd bio-mass.

If the candy doesn't get'em in the van maybe a free sticker will.

He must have a children in the trunk.

The final sensation is of a dry piece of dirt tucked stuck to my teeth up against my cheek. Strange. The taste is good enough. It’s unidentifiably citrusy. The flavor is very even throughout the entire time the candy is in your mouth. If it weren’t for the texture the candy would probably rate a 5 or 5.2. The texture is just as close as I’ve never wanted to be to having what I imagine jizz feeling like in my mouth.

Left - peeled. Right- With cum-coat.

Bitten.

Nestle Lion - Mike says, "RRRAAAAAAAAARRRRR"

Target: Nestle Lion – I first discovered this once while tromping around in Kuwait. It's another candy that isn’t very available in the States. But eater beware, it's some vicious shit.

Ingredients

Ghetto-gredients

Heirglyphics

Packaging: Right out in front is the ferociousness of a big ass lions head. Then next to it, for pre-schoolers and idiots, is the corresponding title of the big cat that is about to eat you. Nestle Lion bar, eat it before it eats you.

Whenever you pick this bar up don’t forget to watch your ass. If you notice the big lion taking up all the space on the wrapper is just a distraction. You see, this is how lions hunt. One big pussy gets out in front of you and distracts you, while another lion pounces onto your death from the lower right hand portion of the package.

Upside-down death from below.

I would also like to point out that there are two ingredient lists. One that breaks the chemical compounds for the geeks in the room and once that gives you the straight up street value of this piece. Notice that the street listing provides with two stories, one in which there is a wafer, one in which there is not. I think someone needs a good old fashion beat down to get there story straight. Lying punk bitch scum.

Also, notice near the hieroglyphics that Nestle decided to tell that the Lion is best before it is over, unlike any 311 song.

Candy: 9 of 10: This is one of my favorites. I don’t know if it is because I only find one every couple of years or if Nestle is just that good. The fist sensation is the popping of the little rice crispies embedded in the chocolate. Then you get to a good solid piece of chewy caramel. Not that runny baby snot crap that come out of a Caramello, but more of a Rolo type caramel.

Top view

Profile.

Bottom view.

The caramel is nice and chewy, which is a good contrast to the crunchy rice and wafer product. Speaking of this elusive wafer character, is like a big Kit-Kat, not Big Kat big, just larger than average. Which I guess is a good thing, to have a larger than average wafer. But you know, if it weren’t for the smaller than average sized wafers then the average would be much bigger. So if you think about it, a slightly less than average sized wafer is as common as a larger one; and there is nothing wrong with that. So lets all just enjoy our “normal” Kit-Kat sized wafers when we get a chance to get one.

When eating the Lion (stoopid cat). I kind of breaks up. The caramel/rice/chocolate layer breaks off of the wafer section. Not a big deal but kinda weird.

The flavors of the Lion are not to many. You have a strong caramel taste and a light chocolate taste. They are both very good, but the caramel is the clear star. What brings this candy to a 9 from a 7is the textural feats of chewy, crispy, and wafer.

Nestle Lion - cross section.

Bitten, I think. (thanks to http://zomgcandy.com/category/brand/nestle/)

Nestle Aero - BubblesBubblesBubblesBubbles

Nestle Aero bar - Front wrapper

Target: Nestle’ Aero. Not a bunch of bashing, this is a good candy.

Packaging: More of an “older” style of packaging. A paper outer sleeve around an orangey-rusty looking foil paper wrapper. The big push on Aero bars is the whole “bubbly chocolate” thing. The wrapper slogan is “Have you felt the bubbles melt?” I've seen these on the internet forever but they aren’t very readily available in the States, so I am pretty excited I got my grubby little American hands on one. Anyway, the sleeve wrapper has the name “Aero” in big loopy font and a bunch of chocolate bubbles flying around like tits in a Wesley Emerson Jr film.

Foil Wrapper

Ingredients

Hieroglyphics

Taste: 8.7 of 10: This is the straight forward chocolate flavor Aero bar. It is a really nice milk chocolate.

Top view

Profile

Bottom view

Finally seeing the bar in person, the bubbles are a lot smaller than I thought. Internet pictures make them look like a family of pigeons could live in the bubbles, but they are actually about the size of a large sewing needle eye.

The bubbles are uncannily evenly distributed in the bar. Through diligent research and sources I can’t name, I hear they shoot a drag of air through the bar as the inside cools. And that is the secret of Aero bubbles.

Nestle Aero Cross section

Nestle Aero cross section 2

Broken at perforation

The texture is different. It seems flakey as I chew a piece of the chocolate, but not dry, the bar melts quickly and smoothly and the flakeyness goes away. It turns into creamy smooth milky chocolate goodness.

It has a very nice chocolate flavor, sweet on the tip of the tongue and gets deeper as it moves to the back of your mouth and down your throat. It never gets biter, just a deeper more roasted chocolate flavor as it reaches your gullet.

There must be a technique for the bubbles. I tried small bites, large bites, letting it melt slowly, letting it just sit in my mouth, moving it around. It just feels like an airy chocolate. No specialness to it due to the bubbles, unless I just don’t know what to look for.

Once bitten

Bitten.

Vosges - Mo's Bacon Bar: Bacon chocolate, a dream come true?

Target: Vosges - Mo's Bacon Bar. I’ve heard legends about such a thing as bacon infused chocolate but never before have I laid eyes on such a beautiful sight. This must have been what Cortez felt like when he laid eyes on the land of gold and then laid waste to all those poor Mexicans.


Ingredients.
Good deal on gluten.


Hieroglyphics

Packaging: I guess since this thing is an odd combination of food it must be gourmet. For some reason whenever somebody throws together a few weird food items it is auto-gourmet. Like if I combined an Eskimo and an Algerian it would be gourmet people. Anyway, fancy food must come in fancy packages, whatever happened to a stick of chocolate wrapped in a piece of foil. I miss the old days when any old creep could slip rat poison into the candy while it was still on the store shelves. The box flips open at the top and reveals a sealed foil package that contains the chocolate.


Foil sub-wrapper.

The front cover of the box has a large picture of still sizzling bacon (that gets me going like cheerleading finals on ESPN). Next to it is a picture of a much smaller piece of chocolate. This leads me to believe that there will be much more bacon taste than chocolate. It also leads me to believe that the creator of this candy hates islam.

The box gives a “delectable” summary of ingredients by telling what kind of wood was smoked (Hey, what has two thumbs and likes their wood smoked? This guy.) and a couple other expensive adjectives. One thing that catches my eye is the “41% cacao”. Giving cacao percentages is a way for candy makers to seem fancy and to let you know how many Oompa-loompa’s you can buy with the candy. The problem is that I like sweet milk chocolate (a la Hershey’s) or seriously bitter dark chocolate (80%+ cacao). This half ass 41% shit isn’t gonna cut it.


Candy: 5.1 of 10 (Worth the 8 bucks only once. Ever.): The candy itself has a picture of some psycho-bitch lost in a weird Mobius strip kind of situation. She has a Vosges bag in her hand. I can only imagine that she has the chocolate she is on in the bag. Which means that she herself is in the bag she is carrying. Weird.


This chick must have done something to piss off god.

The fist sensation in my mouth is that of salty chocolate. It’s like eating a rotten chocolate bar after it finished a game of basketball. The next thing that happens is what I expected when I saw the 41% cacao. The chocolate begins to turn to the bitter side but stops well short of tasting good. It’s like when you take a sip out of a cup you think has milk in it but it ends up being orange juice. It is an unpleasant flavor stutter. This must be the half-mental brother of milk chocolate and dark chocolate. I think the chocolate parents tried to keep it locked-up in the shed outside while company was at the house.


Top View


Broken profile


Bottom view
Now the salty taste is coming on a little stronger, in tow with it is the flavor of wonderful Muslim repellant. MMMM, bacon…wait don’t go.

The bacon taste is fleeting, but nice. It is a bit stronger when you let the chocolate melt a little in your mouth and then just start chewing. I guess your teeth extract al the great baconness from the meat bits. About halfway through the chew the bitter chocolate drops out again and the bacon really matures. This is how it should taste throughout.
The chocolate has a nice smooth texture with a creamy melt. The bacon bits are chewy, but dry. It’s like the bacon has been sitting out on a greasy paper towel all day since breakfast and you finally decide to eat it before bed. The candy finishes pretty smooth, except for a bunch of bacon pieces floating around in my mouth like morons in a public swimming pool. And at the end you get a nice lingering aftertaste of ass-uped chocolate that the maker couldn’t decide if he wanted milk or dark chocolate.


Vosges - Mo's Bacon Bar cross section


Bitten.

Swisslion Takovo choco banana – Tribal dick fighting, space banana piece of shit.

Target: Swisslion Takovo choco banana. I have no idea what is supposed to be going on with this outrageous shit. I have never heard of neither the brand nor a candy similar. This was given to me by a friend whose motives are questionable, especially since the box says it expired 5 months ago. Yet I’ll dive in head first anyway, the worst that can happen is my skull cracking open and my brains leaking out into a raccoon den.

Hieroglyphics

Packaging: This is one of the best. The front proudly displays two peeled dicks in and epic sword fight over a bush. It appears to be based on some south Pacific tribal ceremony; due to the sub-tropical jungle surrounding the clearing for the duel. I wonder if the bride to be is actually in the middle having skinned dongs whacked around her face or if it is just an artistic representation identifying the central importance of the aggressive yogurt breathing banana dragons.

Moving away from the chocolate dipped dicks, let’s focus on another issue with this stuff. What the hell kind of technology goes into sticking bananas into chocolate, is there a team of intergalactic robots farting space chocolate onto bananas that haven’t been discovered yet. I guess Swisslion Takovo is the place to go for using way too much effort to dip a banana in chocolate. I here Disney just buys theirs from bloody-fingered children in Malaysia.

Intergalactic space labor for 20 cents a hour.

Ingredients: Thirteen. No, not thirteen ingredients. Thirteen languages, and none of them are English. There aren’t even any Spanish ingredients. The western hemisphere is clearly not ready for what I am about to unleash upon myself. If you feel your house shake that is probably my head exploding. I have never seen a candy so devoted to being applicable to as many people as possible. Not only does the front of the box cover the extremes by addressing naked tribesmen and space robots fueled by Brussels sprouts, but just for good measure they address 13 different languages to make damn sure everyone in the universe except me knows what the hell is in this thing. Oh wait, I found the English. So what do we have here, “Foamy dessert coated with chocolate.”

Some ingredients

Foamy…what the fuck ever.

First ingredient is… “chocolate mass”. What the hell is this thing? Foamy dessert? Chocolate mass? It’s a foamy chocolate mass. I can’t begin to imagine how someone would come up with this goofy shit. WHAT THE HELL IS “CHOCOLATE MASS”? Does it not take up any space and therefore cannot be considered chocolate matter? No wonder so much fucking technology goes into this thing. They have somehow created a mass of chocolate that takes up no space. This shit would blow Einstein’s fucking mind.

HAMBURGER FOOT!!!!

But you know, it’s just chocolate and banana…right. Wait a minute, if I turn my back on the bananas in my kitchen for a second they turn to bread ingredients. How are they staying fresh in the room temperature box for so long? They must be dehydrated bananas. Either way I feel a disturbance in the force. Something isn’t fucking straight around here.

Candy: 1.7 of 10 (I could eat the entire thing due only to my iron will):

holy shit, it’s a piece of shit.

Top view

Profile

Bottom view

The friend who gave this to me must be trying to trick me. Somebody took a dump and heat sealed it into a wrapper. The sub-wrapper has some nice gold writing on it, BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER. A piece of shit with gold stacked on it is still a piece of shit. One of those robots must have let a diver slip and didn’t tell anyone. I need some kinky German chick to sample this thing for me and let me know if it is at least a quality turd, I wouldn’t know how to judge.

When I opened the sub-wrapper I caught a whiff of Moon-Pie. This is not good seeing as how I really don’t like Moon pies. Before my teeth completely severe the first bite from the rest of the candy I realize the candy is made up out of that weird fake marshmallow candy – just like a Moon-Pie, just stiffer. The fake marshmallow is a bit grainy, I don’t know if that is just one more attempt to make this candy less pleasing to eat or if it is because it expired in January. The overall texture is like chewing on a piece of Grandpa’s scalp that I found soaking in the corner of the guest shower.

While expecting an exotic blend of chocolate and banana flavors, this Peep-turd slaps me in the face with lemon. Lemon? Where the hell did that come from? The dominant flavor in this BANANA candy is LEMON. This entire situation is fucking me up. I think I’ll go buy some heroin from that ice cream truck in my top hat. After about a five second delay post-swallow, the banana and chocolate flavors start elbowing their way into my crying mouth. It tastes like a banana flavored Runt, which I hate, and some cheap Easter candy chocolate. So in the end, this lemony Moon-Pie shit dick of a candy tastes like an old Moon-Pie that has been sitting in the fruit basket of a long abandoned shack out near a murky lake. Fuck that. I have however deciphered the yellow slogan at the bottom of the front of the box, “Penasti desert preliven cokoladom” means “Nasty desert that prevails with cock-dom.”

Swisslion Takovo - Choco Banana cross section

Bitten.