Tracker - Not Granola, Not Candy, Not Good. Asshole.

Target: Tracker – someone needs to start tracking down the truck that just rolled down the hill. I think it is trying to move in on that “candy bar” “granola health crap” hybrid that all the candy companies are making. Well, as a note to all you companies doing that hybrid shit, CUT IT THE FUCK OUT. If I want granola I’ll eat some fucking Gorp. Unless I actually set out for fucking Gorp, I want a good tasting, makes me hyper, chocolate slathered, peanut butter, chocolate piece of shit that makes me fat. Also, I don't know who makes this thing, and I don't like that. It seems as though Mars at least distributes it, so we will blame everything on them. Asshole.

Ingredients.

Hieroglyphics.

Packaging: The trackers package is nothing special. The most prominent things on it is the candy name and some bullshit self-righteous narrative about how this is a one of a kind candy bar. Asshole.

My mom says I'm special.

Let’s get to business about this auto-feltaing commentary. As much hot air as this thing blows up its own ass, the only ingredient that is identified is the whole grain that does nothing to improve upon the taste of this candy. Hoo-fucking-rah; congratulations “whole grain”, you didn’t fuck anything up. Asshole.

Whole grain is about as smart as wheat.

The best description of anything else you get is “…Crunch, Goo, and Chew…”. Fantastic, I’m about to ingest a cum covered pig nut rolled in sand; my definition of pleasure. Asshole.

Even in the ingredients don’t give the straight up. The first thing is “cereal bar with CRISPIES”. What the fuck is a “crispy”, is it a mummified Smurf, is it the other fucking “Thing”, I don’t know; take a bite and find out. Asshole.

And what the hell is a “choc’ chip. It sounds like somebody through some truck choc blocks in a grinder and sprinkled them on the freaking candy. Asshole.

Candy: 5 of 10:
When I bite into this one it feels a little like dried crickets, you know the one you forgot in your tackle box last summer. The top and bottom section, which I assume are “Crunch” and “Chew” respectively, are very brittle the only reason it doesn’t snap off like a frozen …uh... water popsicle is because “Goo” is a stripe of caramel holding the two together. I guess “Crunch” is the assortment of peanut, choc chip, and other goodies we see on top, and “Chew” is the granola bar on the bottom. Asshole.

With the General.

The fist thing I taste is a peanut buttery flavor, it is quickly followed up with a raw peanut taste. I would rather just eat a Quaker Oat peanut butter granola bar. The chocolate taste comes in at the end and is nothing special. Asshole.

For my money they can keep this thing in London. I liked trying it, but I wouldn’t ask a ship captain to pilot a zillion of these things across the Bermuda Triangle just to have the pleasure of it touching my lips. Asshole.

Tracker cross section.

Bitten.

Nestle Aero - BubblesBubblesBubblesBubbles

Nestle Aero bar - Front wrapper

Target: Nestle’ Aero. Not a bunch of bashing, this is a good candy.

Packaging: More of an “older” style of packaging. A paper outer sleeve around an orangey-rusty looking foil paper wrapper. The big push on Aero bars is the whole “bubbly chocolate” thing. The wrapper slogan is “Have you felt the bubbles melt?” I've seen these on the internet forever but they aren’t very readily available in the States, so I am pretty excited I got my grubby little American hands on one. Anyway, the sleeve wrapper has the name “Aero” in big loopy font and a bunch of chocolate bubbles flying around like tits in a Wesley Emerson Jr film.

Foil Wrapper

Ingredients

Hieroglyphics

Taste: 8.7 of 10: This is the straight forward chocolate flavor Aero bar. It is a really nice milk chocolate.

Top view

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Bottom view

Finally seeing the bar in person, the bubbles are a lot smaller than I thought. Internet pictures make them look like a family of pigeons could live in the bubbles, but they are actually about the size of a large sewing needle eye.

The bubbles are uncannily evenly distributed in the bar. Through diligent research and sources I can’t name, I hear they shoot a drag of air through the bar as the inside cools. And that is the secret of Aero bubbles.

Nestle Aero Cross section

Nestle Aero cross section 2

Broken at perforation

The texture is different. It seems flakey as I chew a piece of the chocolate, but not dry, the bar melts quickly and smoothly and the flakeyness goes away. It turns into creamy smooth milky chocolate goodness.

It has a very nice chocolate flavor, sweet on the tip of the tongue and gets deeper as it moves to the back of your mouth and down your throat. It never gets biter, just a deeper more roasted chocolate flavor as it reaches your gullet.

There must be a technique for the bubbles. I tried small bites, large bites, letting it melt slowly, letting it just sit in my mouth, moving it around. It just feels like an airy chocolate. No specialness to it due to the bubbles, unless I just don’t know what to look for.

Once bitten

Bitten.

Vosges - Mo's Bacon Bar: Bacon chocolate, a dream come true?

Target: Vosges - Mo's Bacon Bar. I’ve heard legends about such a thing as bacon infused chocolate but never before have I laid eyes on such a beautiful sight. This must have been what Cortez felt like when he laid eyes on the land of gold and then laid waste to all those poor Mexicans.


Ingredients.
Good deal on gluten.


Hieroglyphics

Packaging: I guess since this thing is an odd combination of food it must be gourmet. For some reason whenever somebody throws together a few weird food items it is auto-gourmet. Like if I combined an Eskimo and an Algerian it would be gourmet people. Anyway, fancy food must come in fancy packages, whatever happened to a stick of chocolate wrapped in a piece of foil. I miss the old days when any old creep could slip rat poison into the candy while it was still on the store shelves. The box flips open at the top and reveals a sealed foil package that contains the chocolate.


Foil sub-wrapper.

The front cover of the box has a large picture of still sizzling bacon (that gets me going like cheerleading finals on ESPN). Next to it is a picture of a much smaller piece of chocolate. This leads me to believe that there will be much more bacon taste than chocolate. It also leads me to believe that the creator of this candy hates islam.

The box gives a “delectable” summary of ingredients by telling what kind of wood was smoked (Hey, what has two thumbs and likes their wood smoked? This guy.) and a couple other expensive adjectives. One thing that catches my eye is the “41% cacao”. Giving cacao percentages is a way for candy makers to seem fancy and to let you know how many Oompa-loompa’s you can buy with the candy. The problem is that I like sweet milk chocolate (a la Hershey’s) or seriously bitter dark chocolate (80%+ cacao). This half ass 41% shit isn’t gonna cut it.


Candy: 5.1 of 10 (Worth the 8 bucks only once. Ever.): The candy itself has a picture of some psycho-bitch lost in a weird Mobius strip kind of situation. She has a Vosges bag in her hand. I can only imagine that she has the chocolate she is on in the bag. Which means that she herself is in the bag she is carrying. Weird.


This chick must have done something to piss off god.

The fist sensation in my mouth is that of salty chocolate. It’s like eating a rotten chocolate bar after it finished a game of basketball. The next thing that happens is what I expected when I saw the 41% cacao. The chocolate begins to turn to the bitter side but stops well short of tasting good. It’s like when you take a sip out of a cup you think has milk in it but it ends up being orange juice. It is an unpleasant flavor stutter. This must be the half-mental brother of milk chocolate and dark chocolate. I think the chocolate parents tried to keep it locked-up in the shed outside while company was at the house.


Top View


Broken profile


Bottom view
Now the salty taste is coming on a little stronger, in tow with it is the flavor of wonderful Muslim repellant. MMMM, bacon…wait don’t go.

The bacon taste is fleeting, but nice. It is a bit stronger when you let the chocolate melt a little in your mouth and then just start chewing. I guess your teeth extract al the great baconness from the meat bits. About halfway through the chew the bitter chocolate drops out again and the bacon really matures. This is how it should taste throughout.
The chocolate has a nice smooth texture with a creamy melt. The bacon bits are chewy, but dry. It’s like the bacon has been sitting out on a greasy paper towel all day since breakfast and you finally decide to eat it before bed. The candy finishes pretty smooth, except for a bunch of bacon pieces floating around in my mouth like morons in a public swimming pool. And at the end you get a nice lingering aftertaste of ass-uped chocolate that the maker couldn’t decide if he wanted milk or dark chocolate.


Vosges - Mo's Bacon Bar cross section


Bitten.

Swisslion Takovo choco banana – Tribal dick fighting, space banana piece of shit.

Target: Swisslion Takovo choco banana. I have no idea what is supposed to be going on with this outrageous shit. I have never heard of neither the brand nor a candy similar. This was given to me by a friend whose motives are questionable, especially since the box says it expired 5 months ago. Yet I’ll dive in head first anyway, the worst that can happen is my skull cracking open and my brains leaking out into a raccoon den.

Hieroglyphics

Packaging: This is one of the best. The front proudly displays two peeled dicks in and epic sword fight over a bush. It appears to be based on some south Pacific tribal ceremony; due to the sub-tropical jungle surrounding the clearing for the duel. I wonder if the bride to be is actually in the middle having skinned dongs whacked around her face or if it is just an artistic representation identifying the central importance of the aggressive yogurt breathing banana dragons.

Moving away from the chocolate dipped dicks, let’s focus on another issue with this stuff. What the hell kind of technology goes into sticking bananas into chocolate, is there a team of intergalactic robots farting space chocolate onto bananas that haven’t been discovered yet. I guess Swisslion Takovo is the place to go for using way too much effort to dip a banana in chocolate. I here Disney just buys theirs from bloody-fingered children in Malaysia.

Intergalactic space labor for 20 cents a hour.

Ingredients: Thirteen. No, not thirteen ingredients. Thirteen languages, and none of them are English. There aren’t even any Spanish ingredients. The western hemisphere is clearly not ready for what I am about to unleash upon myself. If you feel your house shake that is probably my head exploding. I have never seen a candy so devoted to being applicable to as many people as possible. Not only does the front of the box cover the extremes by addressing naked tribesmen and space robots fueled by Brussels sprouts, but just for good measure they address 13 different languages to make damn sure everyone in the universe except me knows what the hell is in this thing. Oh wait, I found the English. So what do we have here, “Foamy dessert coated with chocolate.”

Some ingredients

Foamy…what the fuck ever.

First ingredient is… “chocolate mass”. What the hell is this thing? Foamy dessert? Chocolate mass? It’s a foamy chocolate mass. I can’t begin to imagine how someone would come up with this goofy shit. WHAT THE HELL IS “CHOCOLATE MASS”? Does it not take up any space and therefore cannot be considered chocolate matter? No wonder so much fucking technology goes into this thing. They have somehow created a mass of chocolate that takes up no space. This shit would blow Einstein’s fucking mind.

HAMBURGER FOOT!!!!

But you know, it’s just chocolate and banana…right. Wait a minute, if I turn my back on the bananas in my kitchen for a second they turn to bread ingredients. How are they staying fresh in the room temperature box for so long? They must be dehydrated bananas. Either way I feel a disturbance in the force. Something isn’t fucking straight around here.

Candy: 1.7 of 10 (I could eat the entire thing due only to my iron will):

holy shit, it’s a piece of shit.

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The friend who gave this to me must be trying to trick me. Somebody took a dump and heat sealed it into a wrapper. The sub-wrapper has some nice gold writing on it, BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER. A piece of shit with gold stacked on it is still a piece of shit. One of those robots must have let a diver slip and didn’t tell anyone. I need some kinky German chick to sample this thing for me and let me know if it is at least a quality turd, I wouldn’t know how to judge.

When I opened the sub-wrapper I caught a whiff of Moon-Pie. This is not good seeing as how I really don’t like Moon pies. Before my teeth completely severe the first bite from the rest of the candy I realize the candy is made up out of that weird fake marshmallow candy – just like a Moon-Pie, just stiffer. The fake marshmallow is a bit grainy, I don’t know if that is just one more attempt to make this candy less pleasing to eat or if it is because it expired in January. The overall texture is like chewing on a piece of Grandpa’s scalp that I found soaking in the corner of the guest shower.

While expecting an exotic blend of chocolate and banana flavors, this Peep-turd slaps me in the face with lemon. Lemon? Where the hell did that come from? The dominant flavor in this BANANA candy is LEMON. This entire situation is fucking me up. I think I’ll go buy some heroin from that ice cream truck in my top hat. After about a five second delay post-swallow, the banana and chocolate flavors start elbowing their way into my crying mouth. It tastes like a banana flavored Runt, which I hate, and some cheap Easter candy chocolate. So in the end, this lemony Moon-Pie shit dick of a candy tastes like an old Moon-Pie that has been sitting in the fruit basket of a long abandoned shack out near a murky lake. Fuck that. I have however deciphered the yellow slogan at the bottom of the front of the box, “Penasti desert preliven cokoladom” means “Nasty desert that prevails with cock-dom.”

Swisslion Takovo - Choco Banana cross section

Bitten.

Milky Way Crispy Rolls - Candy in the dirt.

Target: Milky Way Crispy Rolls. Racism in a wonderfully crispy tube.

Ingredients (Spanish in Europe, Mexican in the States)

Non-jibberish ingredients

Hieroglyphics

Packaging: Seems normal enough. One side of the front loudly proclaims its Milky Wayness. As if to say, “I’m made by Milky Way, so you can try me without ending up eating toasted sesame candy or some other goofy shit.” The other half of the front shows the candy you are about to eat laying on the ground in some old dead grass and a couple of dirty gold bars.

I must say that it doesn’t seem like anyone was paid to think of a name. Almost as if they planned on going with just Milky Way and then remembered they already had a candy by that name. Then some executive was like, “Oh damn, we have to slap a name on this shit.”

The one things that catches my eye on the wrapper are the exploding hearts (go fuck yourself grammar Nazi). Is this some sort of warning that my heart may explode if I eat this shit. It is like the birth control pill that says its side effects may include: heart murmer, runny nose, itchy eyes, death, loose stool, hard stool, black stool, blushing, dizziness, headache, eternal life, bitchyness, AIDS, unexpected pregnancy, hammer toe, and baldness.

Your heart a-splode.

Another thing about this is you have to guess that there are 2 bars in the package (unlike the Good Children). There is no forewarning for retards that there are two bars (non-individually wrapped) so you better be damn hungry (or at least not a small girl or a homo) when you open the package. Cause if you aren’t, you are going to have the extra bar laying around in some dead grass somewhere.

Candy: 7.3 of 11: The first thing that came to mind was to suck the cream out of the wafer tube. Oh, yeah, I like the cream to be sucked out; just as long as it isn’t me doing it. The cream is a vanilla tasting cream. It contrasts well with the chocolate robe around the candy tube. The filling has a creamy cream texture, it is like a soft yogurt packed into a crunchy chocolate toilet paper roll.

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The wafers are nice and light, not a big thick wafer like some sugar wafer candies. Not a whole lot of flavor, but ALL the texture of the candy comes off from the wafer. It also helps the chocolate stay rigid even after the cream filling has been orally evacuated from the assembly.

The chocolate is nice. It is good old Mars brand chocolate, except better than the Mars chocolate in the States. A lot of European countries (I’m pretty sure this thing came from Spain in a round about way) have a higher standard to be able to call their brown stuff chocolate than in the States. Sorta like our steak

and their steak

except in this case ours is better. And what the hell is going on with the biscuit hat.

The mix of vanilla filling and chocolate enrobing is a very good combination. The tastes complement each other and don’t overpower one another. At first I thought it was just another chocolate vanilla pairing and nothing more. However, the more I looked at the exploding hearts above the “i” in Milky Way, the more I came to realize something.

racism

That’s right, this candy is racist. Those exploding hearts are actually people. Notice how the white guy is in front of the black guy. The candy itself, first you may think that it is showing how black and white can work together due to the no conflicting flavors… but you are wrong. It is actually showing how good it is to have the two separate. Notice how the vanilla (whitie) and the chocolate (brothuh’s) are separated by the wafer wall of injustice. “Keeping the two separate seems to be the only way to make peace.” , this candy seemed to say.

Even with all the hate, this candy has a nice overall texture. I really like using wafers as a crunchy texture base. Without the wafers the candy would be to damn soft, it would be like a coagulated milkshake.

Milky Way Crispy Rolls - cross section

Bitten.