Stuff to read.

The solultion to everything.

2010-02-27T21:41:00.000-07:00

Alright, the cock-knuckles working on this crap have finished. The website looks like a pile of pulverized pussy, but the information in it is pretty kick ass.

Here it is.

http://www.trueliberty.us/

I know how existence works.

2009-09-22T15:53:00.002-07:00

It isn't not done yet, but the explanation of all that exists is coming soon. There is a bunch of other crap going on, but the report is in the works.

Blueberry Beer: Like boozed up breakfast muffins

2009-09-08T16:35:00.008-07:00

Blogger.coms new picture upload thing is gay.

I went to the Anheuser-Busch factory and got a bunch of different beers to try out. This first one is a blueberry concoction called “Wild Blue”. It is billed as a Blueberry lager.

I don't know what the hell this thing is supposed to be, a wild blue perhaps?

It goes on and on stroking its own blueberry stem about how it gets its flavor and color from some natural source, but none of that matters before you open the bottle. What matters is the 8% alcohol by volume content. 8% beer = 100% badassery.

Color: Upon pouring the beer out into my good enough beer glass it is readily apparent that this is no normal beer with flavorings crap. They at least put some something in it to color it. It looks like it could be made of blueberries. Not the best head producer around; just like stupid teenage girls I swear I’d be better off just doing it myself.

Yeah yeah, so I don't have a real beer glass, screw off.

Smell: Just as I pull a whiff I smell a strong blueberry/scrambled egg combination that baffles my senses. There must be some sulfur content in this high enough to smell or this wouldn’t be. A deeper breath using the nose and mouth to inhale produces a pleasant blueberry muffin smell. Not hoppy or barley-y.

Taste: It is not very strongly flavored. It has about the taste ka-pow of an MGD 64. Although the flavour (oh yeah, Euro-trash style) is pleasant. I can taste blueberry in it. It is almost like a weak wine cooler but with a good bit more alcoholic gusto. Speaking of which, the alcohol is barely discernable, which is awesome since I hate the nose hair burning sensation that is the wavy stench lines of alcohol. It most defiantly does not taste like a beer, or lager. It is more like a blueberry cider. Overall it is pretty good. If I could find a 6-pack for under ten bucks (which you can at the beer plant) I would probably buy it every now and then.

Even though it's not a real beer glass it doens't have the best head anyway.

I don't know why there is so much space betwee the picture and the text. Fuck blogger.com
Beer Score: 2 of 6

Blueberry alcohol beverage score: 5 of 5

my Clam

2009-09-07T13:10:00.000-07:00

Yeah yeah, my spelling sucks my grammer is bad, and i don't really give a shit.

See there, poor capitalization skills.

The fact is I don't care. I am usually eating something or drinking booze when I write these and I only right them once. I don't jerk around with editing and all that, usually. I do one read through and call it good enough.

Jobless people shouldn't be allowed to have fun on Labor Day

2009-09-07T13:04:00.001-07:00

Labor day is for people who labor, not for people who don't labor. In this instance I am very liberal with the definitaion of "labor". Essentially, if you have a job the day before and the day after labor day; you labor.

Now every day is a holiday for slackers and bums so how do we make sure they don't celebrate Labor Day. Here's how.

Punch them in the face.

Every person who has a job can punch any person who does not have a job in the face. You can hit any jobless person as hard as you want, one time. You can hit as many jobless people as you can find, but only one punch per jobless no good peice of shit slacker who doesn't deserve the egg smelling socks he wears. This way people with jobs can relax, let go of some stress, and we can all make sure people without jobs aren't freeloading off our holiday; amongst other things. The worthless pieces of shit they are.

A different bitch with the health care system.

2009-09-07T12:46:00.001-07:00

Our health care system is dicked.

First of all upon entrance to the medical facility of your choice you should write down either what you think is wrong with you, or what you think the medical staff will discover is or is not wrong with you. If you are told they same thing as what you wrote down then you don’t pay for shit.

For example, If I write down, “My knee hurts and I don’t know why.”, and the doctor tells you he doesn’t know why your knee hurts; then you don’t pay for a damn thing. If you say, “I have acid reflux” and he says “you have acid reflux” you don’t pay him a damn thing. If you say I need Medicine A and after he pokes all over you he says you need Medicine A, you don’t pay for the poking, you just pay for the scrip. To hell with all this you came in so you owe me $35 and your insurance owes me $300 crap, pay for product. Maybe this will give doctors some damn motivation on figuring out what’s wrong with people instead of giving them vicodine and sending them on their merry way.

And holy-crap-sack-batman what the hell is going on with fucking x-ray techs. These pieces of shit are the dredge at the bottom of the medical world barrel. You have to pay for all kinds of shit you don’t want. Pay for each exposure taken, pay for each exposure, pay for the stupid son of a bitch who couldn’t cut it in real college to “read” the x-ray.

How about this, since I already know which part of my body is assed up I take the damn picture. This way I only need one taken and don’t have to pay for two more that aren’t for a damn thing. This would also cut out the picture taker all together. Just put that little button over on this side of you nuclear defense wall, I think I can figure it out. Also, since I’m not a god damn retard, I’ll “read” the x-ray. It doesn’t take a fucking biologist to see that there is something in my arm that’s not supposed to fucking be there. I already know what’s wrong I just need proof to tell doctor why I need my hydrocodone.

And what’s with “reading” and x-ray. It’s a damn photograph. You don’t read a picture, you look at it. So I am paying the hospital equivalent of a Burger King order taker $70 a pop to look at a picture of my hand. Fuck that.

Oh, and get rid of insurance all together. If you can’t afford to pay for your hospital stay, then don’t get sick you weak miserable piece of shit.

Absente: Absinthe Refined (to the point where it is no longer absinthe, nor was it ever)

2009-08-30T12:13:00.007-07:00

We're hip, see, a picture of Can Gogh that wikipedia said people would recognize as hip.

Package and Product: Whoever made this is trying to tool you around every way they can with their packaging. There is no grande wormwood in it, which is like talking about a meatless hamburger patty. Instead they use some other species of wormwood. It was all a ploy to get around absinthe laws back in the early 2000’s before real absinthe was re-legalized. “Absente” is “absent” in French, which is a pretty good description of this liquor. The company makes a big ploy with all the old psycho artists from France drinking ABSINTHE, and how ABSINTHE was a great drink back in the day, and how ABSINTHE is some really good stuff; but tells you that THIS IS NOT ABSINTHE. What a bunch of asshats. So for an absinthe, this drink gets a big fat ZERO. However, as some dicked up Kool-Aid version of absinthe it isn’t all bad.

I miss the heady days. Gettin' all that head all the time.

We want to make sure you don't hurt yourself, so here are some pictures.

It kind of aggrevates me that there are instructions on how to mix this shit. You don't see everclear with a picture of a passed out chick getting peed on, everyone just know what is supposed to happen with everclear. Damn it, it's about time people figured out absinthe.

Scent: It smells okay. It has a light airy smell, but gets you in the head little bit. When I stick my nose in, like I’m trying to snort cocaine out of a 16 year old Chinese hookers rusty bullet wound, I can taste it (the booze, not the poop chute) over the back of my tongue. It has a floaty licorice smell, but it is very faint.

Color: The initial color is pretty. It looks like dark mellow-yellow. It is a little bit greener, a bit pale. Like a very tan, very sick mellow-yellow.

Louche: The louche looks like any other absinthe or absinthe imitation hooch. It gets cloudy. That’s it. I have drank several absinthes and as long as they get cloudy it all seems the same. It looks like some smashed up grapes.

Smashed grapes.

Smoked banana peels.

Flavor with sugar: All right, the important part. The absente taste very light, with not much flavor. It is very sweet, probably because I use 2 cubes as a base standard. It is not bitter at all, which can be good and bad, very smooth. However, the taste is not very deep. There is no anus, no fennel, no clove, nothing. Just licorice. Which isn’t really BAD I guess, just not very involved. Kind of like a stoned teenager at a church youth rally; only involved enough to get the most irony possible from his current situation. The drink is a little refreshing, so it is kind of nice.

Eh...here's one.

Flavor without sugar: This is bad. This is very bad. It is a very clean and sterile taste. It is a little hot going down the back of my throat; this stuff is 110 proof, but I thinned it at 3:1 water to absente. Not very flavorful, the licorice taste that was there a moment ago really gets lost without the sugar. I can’t taste it anywhere but on the side of the back of my tongue. There is a slight sensation on the tip of my tongue. It reminds me of what I imagine that wintergreen rubbing alcohol tasting like.

Pretty much.

Blame these assholes.

Absinthe score: 0
Licorice liquor: 4 of 5 (with sugar)
1 of 5 (without sugar)

Blogging is shit.

2008-09-12T07:35:00.001-07:00

Fuck this, I'm outta here.

Some little maple hard candy.

2008-08-24T13:43:00.015-07:00

Target: Some little maple hard candy.

Packaging: Hardly any. Individually wrapped.

Candy: 10 of 10 (For a little maple hard candy ) First of all, it smells like maple. That is a good thing. Has a strong, thick, hearty sweet smell to it.

Very nice taste, not as overpowering a the smell would lead you to believe, yet still stronger than a Canadian. The little maple hard candy holds up well in the mouth, it doesn’t get all sugary or slippery. Very nice, single flavor. Not like a cough drop at all, which for some reason I feared. Not like that nasty crap on maple donuts, this is nice and subtle. Not artificial tasting.

Tracker - Not Granola, Not Candy, Not Good. Asshole.

2008-08-24T13:43:00.010-07:00

Target: Tracker – someone needs to start tracking down the truck that just rolled down the hill. I think it is trying to move in on that “candy bar” “granola health crap” hybrid that all the candy companies are making. Well, as a note to all you companies doing that hybrid shit, CUT IT THE FUCK OUT. If I want granola I’ll eat some fucking Gorp. Unless I actually set out for fucking Gorp, I want a good tasting, makes me hyper, chocolate slathered, peanut butter, chocolate piece of shit that makes me fat. Also, I don't know who makes this thing, and I don't like that. It seems as though Mars at least distributes it, so we will blame everything on them. Asshole.

Ingredients.

Hieroglyphics.

Packaging: The trackers package is nothing special. The most prominent things on it is the candy name and some bullshit self-righteous narrative about how this is a one of a kind candy bar. Asshole.

My mom says I'm special.

Let’s get to business about this auto-feltaing commentary. As much hot air as this thing blows up its own ass, the only ingredient that is identified is the whole grain that does nothing to improve upon the taste of this candy. Hoo-fucking-rah; congratulations “whole grain”, you didn’t fuck anything up. Asshole.

Whole grain is about as smart as wheat.

The best description of anything else you get is “…Crunch, Goo, and Chew…”. Fantastic, I’m about to ingest a cum covered pig nut rolled in sand; my definition of pleasure. Asshole.

Even in the ingredients don’t give the straight up. The first thing is “cereal bar with CRISPIES”. What the fuck is a “crispy”, is it a mummified Smurf, is it the other fucking “Thing”, I don’t know; take a bite and find out. Asshole.

And what the hell is a “choc’ chip. It sounds like somebody through some truck choc blocks in a grinder and sprinkled them on the freaking candy. Asshole.

Candy: 5 of 10:
When I bite into this one it feels a little like dried crickets, you know the one you forgot in your tackle box last summer. The top and bottom section, which I assume are “Crunch” and “Chew” respectively, are very brittle the only reason it doesn’t snap off like a frozen …uh... water popsicle is because “Goo” is a stripe of caramel holding the two together. I guess “Crunch” is the assortment of peanut, choc chip, and other goodies we see on top, and “Chew” is the granola bar on the bottom. Asshole.

With the General.

The fist thing I taste is a peanut buttery flavor, it is quickly followed up with a raw peanut taste. I would rather just eat a Quaker Oat peanut butter granola bar. The chocolate taste comes in at the end and is nothing special. Asshole.

For my money they can keep this thing in London. I liked trying it, but I wouldn’t ask a ship captain to pilot a zillion of these things across the Bermuda Triangle just to have the pleasure of it touching my lips. Asshole.

Tracker cross section.

Bitten.

Le Tourment Vert: The Green Torment

2008-08-16T16:49:00.010-07:00

Box and Bottle

Finally, absinthe is legal again, and starting to be more and more accessible. I found this bottle in a specialty foods store that had a fairly large booze selection. I am not going to go into the story of absinthe and how real absinthe has never mad people hallucinate any more than any other alcohol or any of that rubbish. For all that check out http://www.absintheoriginals.com/absinthe_FAQ.html.

Sealed

Distiller

Scent: The first thing you smell, with the tip of your nose is an artificially minty smell. It smells almost like a bunch of York peppermint patty’s swished around in Scope. The follow-up scent is a full, think licorice smell; which to me is great. Not until the end of the sniff do you get the 100 proof alcohol nose hair burns.

Color: The color looks like it was manufactured to hold a light-green hue. Sitting in the glass it looks like a nice, clean emerald. You could put this in a Scope bottle and no could tell the difference. Actually, I think the makers may have been in such a hurry to get this on the shelves once the ban was lifted they thinned out some Scope with some Everclear and called it good enough.

Le Tourment Vert profile

Le Tourment Vert above

Louche: The louche is green and dense. It looks like a foggy green cloud in a glass. It is not very smooth in its development. At one point it is clear emerald green, then all of a sudden it is cloudy aqua.

First drop of water and sugar

Oil, sugar, water, and alcohol

Louch profile

Louch above

Flavor with sugar: I drink my absinthe with two sugar cubes, and mix the tradition 1:4 ratio. This mouthwash tastes pretty nice, it has a strong mint overtone but with a very heavy, strong, full licorice flavor. Either the people who make this are masters of their craft at a level higher than anyone else in the world, or this has some artificial licorice in it. I really can’t taste anything else. It tastes like a boozed-up, liquefied Good & Plenty. Not bad.

Preparation profile

Preparation above

PREPARATION 3D X-TREAM!!!!!!

Cube remains on a spoon

Flavor without sugar: Tastes nothing like a Good & Plenty. Has the same minty taste upfront with the overpowering licorice flavor throughout. The hot alcohol sensation only arrives after you swallow the elixir. The oils in the drink are much more apparent without sugar. I can feel them roll around on top of my tongue, and slide to my throat before being swallowed. It is a bit more if a sensation than drinking it with sugar, but I like it sugar better, always.

Overall: 7.6 of 10 (I really like Good & Plenty’s)

Ready to drink.

Fuck Michael Phelps

2008-08-09T19:56:00.003-07:00

Olympics = Gay

2008-08-09T19:56:00.001-07:00

The only thing that is less gay about the Olympics now vs. 1 million years ago is that there aren’t dicks swinging around in olive oil.

Why the hell does NBC dictate to us what Olympic sports we can be proud of? Gymnastics (gay), water sports (gay and disgusting; in the Olympics when someone gets first in a water sport they get a golden shower), track (gay). Why couldn’t all of us proud Americans see the first gold medal won, because NBC sucks and won’t show fencing. Now Fencing might sound and look gay, but for god’s sake it’s a fucking sword fight (not the kind with dicks). These people are stabbing the shit out of each other; but no, we get to watch a bunch of dudes swinging around poles like high dollar strippers.

Let’s see some fucking shot put and javelin action. I want to see some big mother fucker throw a 15 pound lead ball 75 feet. That way I can imagine them hurling a fucking cannon ball at the enemy when all the gun powder on there battle ship gets wet.

Let’s see some spear chuckers out there (no not porch monkeys, spear chuckers). Let’s get the javelin throw live, just in case some jackass judge gets harpooned through the fucking neck.

What about archery, that is straight up the proof of skill that some dude can fucking kill you in the chest from a mile away.

Diving, fuck diving. That is essentially showing how fancy these piss ants can run away from a battle. “Oh look, I’ll dive into this lake and make as little surface disruption as possible so that my pursuers can’t find me.” FUCK YOU. pussy.

Swimming is just an exercise in seeing how far you can get from your sinking war ship before that shot putter can smash your fucking dome with a damn cannonball.

I’m not fucking with water polo, that shits intense.

The Olympics were meant to identify the greatest athletes, and in turn the person with the greatest warrior potential. Don’t give me synchronized swimming and BMX racing bullshit. (yeah, BMX is in the Olympics this year. That’s a fucking X-game, leave it there).

Let’s see some rowing where they ram each other in efforts to sink the other teams shit.
Let’s see some really up to date shit where the guys shoot guns at stuff.

Boxing is worthy of the Olympics. Wrestling is worthy of the Olympics. Horse riding is worthy of the Olympics (hey, Calvary is badass).

This shit NBC is feeding us is worthless. The next time I need some 12 year old Chinese bitch who is going to end up a Thai hooker in fucking Bangladesh to win a war by spinning a ribbon on a stick, I’ll let ya know. Until then she can suck the dicks of all the U.S. diplomats going to Croatia on “official business”.

Old bitch in line.

2008-08-09T16:53:00.001-07:00

I was just in line at the Circle K down the street. Now, I don’t expect much when I go into a Circle K, but the least I ask for is to be able to do my business without feeling the need to beat the living shit out of some dumb ass.

So I am standing at the end of a line 7 people deep, with two more people behind me. Then this old catcher’s mitt of an old hag steps out of line. She looks back at me and say, “Can you save my spot for me?” and then runs off to the candy aisle without giving me time to say , “No bitch, get in the back of the fucking train.”

She comes back from the candy Aisle with a stack of candy bars for her husband, and I’m sure she meant her Labrador when she said husband; because I couldn’t imagine Quasimodo sticking with this fucking grease stain. Then I tell her, “Hey you got out of line, get behind me.” So, she starts up with the “But, I asked you to save my spot.” As I reply in my “fuck you, you filthy nasty mushroomed-up snatch” tone of voice “That doesn’t mean shit.” The clerk cut a “I-need-to get-slapped-with-a-cement-block” look. And since I really didn’t want to get kicked out of the Circle K where I get my daily supply of MGD I figured I’d let the old leather flap cut back in line.

After all that shit the walking melanoma start chatting me up like I’m her old friend Cathy. She goes on to blame him on her being fat, because he eats candy bars. Fuck that, your fat because god is trying to kill you.

So I am about to finally buy my nightly brew, after waiting for the hag to dig out correct change for her wine cooler and candy bars, and ALREADY GETS THE RECEIPT OF PURCHASE. She says, “Oh wait, I need to buy my GPC cigarettes.” So the register gal digs around a wall of cancer candy for nearly 3 minutes before she looks in the section that has ALL the GPC cigarettes. After all that the living cancer specimen hand her a$20 bill to pay for the smokes. Fuck.

After all that I felt that I should get another 6-pack and make the booze deal with this absurdity, but I didn’t want someone to have to hold my spot in line.

Fuck these people.

If they aren’t doing anything as Senators why would they do anything as Presidents?

2008-07-25T22:42:00.003-07:00

Senators John McCain and Barack Obama have essentially been choosen to represent the two parties in this open party election process. I wish we could get the Whigs back just for some flavor in this crap. I have my choice for which less bad Senator I am going to try to put in the highest individual office in our country. The problem that stands yet unaddressed is this: these men are claiming that “If I were President I would … to fix this country.” Well you know what mother fuckers, you’re god damn Senators. That’s no joke.

I am not sure if you two are aware of this or not, but nothing in our Government gets done by one person. You aren’t going to be able to make and Executive Order to do whatever the hell you want. A lot of people have said that President Bush has done a lot of things upon his own volition, but you know what Congress (which Senators happen to be a part of) CAN TELL HIM NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And have read through your “If I were President…” statements. Well you know what, if you haven’t gotten done what you want done as a Senator, then how the hell do you expect to do it as President. You are Senators, it is your job to write, propose, and vote on legislation that will change the way the country behaves.

Sen. McCain, if you can’t influence enough of your fellow Senators; Republican, Democrat, or otherwise, to repeal the offshore drilling regulations; then how the hell are you going to do it as President. To everyone else in the world you will be President, and that will seem important, but when it is the JOB of Congress to make sure you don’t do something stupid; you are must another guy that needs to be argued against and shut down.

Sen. Obama, if you were President you would bring the war in Iraq to and end. First of all, you are a SENATOR in CONGRESS, I DON’T CARE WHAT THE President says or does if there are enough members of the Senate and the House that disagree with him, he can’t do shit. If you can’t get your branch of government to overturn the current situation then what makes you think that you will be able to keep them from overturning your plans.

Now, these are just two points of many issues concerning the prospective President. However; the point I am trying to make is that the men running for the highest office in the Executive Branch of the United States Government are men who already hold positions in the Legislative Branch of the United States Government. If they can not accomplish what they set out to accomplish at a lateral/lower level, what makes anybody think they can succeed at a higher level. If you have a mail clerk in your office who can’t read, would you promote him to office secretary?

And gentlemen, please remember, a President inherits their first term from the man before them, jus as President Bush inherited a still living Osama bin Laden from President Clinton, you too will inherit the benefits of an accomplished Iraqi War from President Bush.

Oh and why the hell is Obama campaigning in Europe none of them have any say in our election process. The Germans and French don’t mean shit to the United States. The only thing they are good for here is cheese and beer. Now I know that some of his trips were very conveniently timed official Congressional business, but Mr. Obama GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THE COUNTRY YOU WANT TO LEAD AND DO A DAMN THING THAT MATTERS. McCain may be following a campaign trail based on money, but hell, at least he is showing that he cares about the people that are actually CITIZENS of the country he wants to lead.

Boton Rice Candy - Something doing something in my mouth.

2008-07-15T20:39:00.005-07:00

Box top.

The Return of Box Top.

Target: Botan Rice Candy

Hieroglyphics

Ingredients

Packaging: I’m not sure which side of the box is the front. They both have equal amount of crazy Japanese cats and fat naked dudes. If I went by illustrations alone, like most children, I would have no idea rice was in this crap. I would imagine I am about to eat a cat.

This candy has to damn much wrapper. First there is the protective cigarette pack cellophane around the box. Then there is the box. Then each candy is individually wrapped bow-tie style. And finally there is some other wrapper that is as hard as piss to get off the candy. But that last wrapper doesn’t really mean anything because you are supposed to EAT IT.

The lip of the box says that the inner wrapper is edible, does that mean the cardboard box should be eaten, it is inside the cellophane. What the hell ever. The lid says that the inner wrapper melts in my mouth. Well I don’t like anything doing anything in my mouth so this is gonna be rough.

If you blow my mind I promise not to think in your mouth.

Candy: 3 of 10: The candy tastes really good, but the texture is something I would imagine gets people ready to be the bucket in a bukkake flick.

There are actually six in the box.

At first it feels unnatural to be stuffing a still wrapped candy in my mouth. It is all kinkily and shit. It feels like I am biting into a still wrapped peppermint.

The candy is immediately sticky. It is soft so I’m not worrying about any dental work, but instant you bite into it you end up just chewing on your own teeth. It quickly gets stringy and ropey. It feels like sucking cow spit threw a straw. The candy soon dissolves into this odd bio-mass.

If the candy doesn't get'em in the van maybe a free sticker will.

He must have a children in the trunk.

The final sensation is of a dry piece of dirt tucked stuck to my teeth up against my cheek. Strange. The taste is good enough. It’s unidentifiably citrusy. The flavor is very even throughout the entire time the candy is in your mouth. If it weren’t for the texture the candy would probably rate a 5 or 5.2. The texture is just as close as I’ve never wanted to be to having what I imagine jizz feeling like in my mouth.

Left - peeled. Right- With cum-coat.

Bitten.

Nestle Lion - Mike says, "RRRAAAAAAAAARRRRR"

2008-07-06T14:02:00.005-07:00

Target: Nestle Lion – I first discovered this once while tromping around in Kuwait. It's another candy that isn’t very available in the States. But eater beware, it's some vicious shit.

Ingredients

Ghetto-gredients

Heirglyphics

Packaging: Right out in front is the ferociousness of a big ass lions head. Then next to it, for pre-schoolers and idiots, is the corresponding title of the big cat that is about to eat you. Nestle Lion bar, eat it before it eats you.

Whenever you pick this bar up don’t forget to watch your ass. If you notice the big lion taking up all the space on the wrapper is just a distraction. You see, this is how lions hunt. One big pussy gets out in front of you and distracts you, while another lion pounces onto your death from the lower right hand portion of the package.

Upside-down death from below.

I would also like to point out that there are two ingredient lists. One that breaks the chemical compounds for the geeks in the room and once that gives you the straight up street value of this piece. Notice that the street listing provides with two stories, one in which there is a wafer, one in which there is not. I think someone needs a good old fashion beat down to get there story straight. Lying punk bitch scum.

Also, notice near the hieroglyphics that Nestle decided to tell that the Lion is best before it is over, unlike any 311 song.

Candy: 9 of 10: This is one of my favorites. I don’t know if it is because I only find one every couple of years or if Nestle is just that good. The fist sensation is the popping of the little rice crispies embedded in the chocolate. Then you get to a good solid piece of chewy caramel. Not that runny baby snot crap that come out of a Caramello, but more of a Rolo type caramel.

Top view

Profile.

Bottom view.

The caramel is nice and chewy, which is a good contrast to the crunchy rice and wafer product. Speaking of this elusive wafer character, is like a big Kit-Kat, not Big Kat big, just larger than average. Which I guess is a good thing, to have a larger than average wafer. But you know, if it weren’t for the smaller than average sized wafers then the average would be much bigger. So if you think about it, a slightly less than average sized wafer is as common as a larger one; and there is nothing wrong with that. So lets all just enjoy our “normal” Kit-Kat sized wafers when we get a chance to get one.

When eating the Lion (stoopid cat). I kind of breaks up. The caramel/rice/chocolate layer breaks off of the wafer section. Not a big deal but kinda weird.

The flavors of the Lion are not to many. You have a strong caramel taste and a light chocolate taste. They are both very good, but the caramel is the clear star. What brings this candy to a 9 from a 7is the textural feats of chewy, crispy, and wafer.

Nestle Lion - cross section.

Bitten, I think. (thanks to http://zomgcandy.com/category/brand/nestle/)

Nestle Aero - BubblesBubblesBubblesBubbles

2008-07-01T18:43:00.013-07:00

Nestle Aero bar - Front wrapper

Target: Nestle’ Aero. Not a bunch of bashing, this is a good candy.

Packaging: More of an “older” style of packaging. A paper outer sleeve around an orangey-rusty looking foil paper wrapper. The big push on Aero bars is the whole “bubbly chocolate” thing. The wrapper slogan is “Have you felt the bubbles melt?” I've seen these on the internet forever but they aren’t very readily available in the States, so I am pretty excited I got my grubby little American hands on one. Anyway, the sleeve wrapper has the name “Aero” in big loopy font and a bunch of chocolate bubbles flying around like tits in a Wesley Emerson Jr film.

Foil Wrapper

Ingredients

Hieroglyphics

Taste: 8.7 of 10: This is the straight forward chocolate flavor Aero bar. It is a really nice milk chocolate.

Top view

Profile

Bottom view

Finally seeing the bar in person, the bubbles are a lot smaller than I thought. Internet pictures make them look like a family of pigeons could live in the bubbles, but they are actually about the size of a large sewing needle eye.

The bubbles are uncannily evenly distributed in the bar. Through diligent research and sources I can’t name, I hear they shoot a drag of air through the bar as the inside cools. And that is the secret of Aero bubbles.

Nestle Aero Cross section

Nestle Aero cross section 2

Broken at perforation

The texture is different. It seems flakey as I chew a piece of the chocolate, but not dry, the bar melts quickly and smoothly and the flakeyness goes away. It turns into creamy smooth milky chocolate goodness.

It has a very nice chocolate flavor, sweet on the tip of the tongue and gets deeper as it moves to the back of your mouth and down your throat. It never gets biter, just a deeper more roasted chocolate flavor as it reaches your gullet.

There must be a technique for the bubbles. I tried small bites, large bites, letting it melt slowly, letting it just sit in my mouth, moving it around. It just feels like an airy chocolate. No specialness to it due to the bubbles, unless I just don’t know what to look for.

Once bitten

Bitten.

Vosges - Mo's Bacon Bar: Bacon chocolate, a dream come true?

2008-06-29T14:53:00.010-07:00

Target: Vosges - Mo's Bacon Bar. I’ve heard legends about such a thing as bacon infused chocolate but never before have I laid eyes on such a beautiful sight. This must have been what Cortez felt like when he laid eyes on the land of gold and then laid waste to all those poor Mexicans.

Ingredients.
Good deal on gluten.

Hieroglyphics

Packaging: I guess since this thing is an odd combination of food it must be gourmet. For some reason whenever somebody throws together a few weird food items it is auto-gourmet. Like if I combined an Eskimo and an Algerian it would be gourmet people. Anyway, fancy food must come in fancy packages, whatever happened to a stick of chocolate wrapped in a piece of foil. I miss the old days when any old creep could slip rat poison into the candy while it was still on the store shelves. The box flips open at the top and reveals a sealed foil package that contains the chocolate.

Foil sub-wrapper.

The front cover of the box has a large picture of still sizzling bacon (that gets me going like cheerleading finals on ESPN). Next to it is a picture of a much smaller piece of chocolate. This leads me to believe that there will be much more bacon taste than chocolate. It also leads me to believe that the creator of this candy hates islam.

The box gives a “delectable” summary of ingredients by telling what kind of wood was smoked (Hey, what has two thumbs and likes their wood smoked? This guy.) and a couple other expensive adjectives. One thing that catches my eye is the “41% cacao”. Giving cacao percentages is a way for candy makers to seem fancy and to let you know how many Oompa-loompa’s you can buy with the candy. The problem is that I like sweet milk chocolate (a la Hershey’s) or seriously bitter dark chocolate (80%+ cacao). This half ass 41% shit isn’t gonna cut it.

Candy: 5.1 of 10 (Worth the 8 bucks only once. Ever.): The candy itself has a picture of some psycho-bitch lost in a weird Mobius strip kind of situation. She has a Vosges bag in her hand. I can only imagine that she has the chocolate she is on in the bag. Which means that she herself is in the bag she is carrying. Weird.

This chick must have done something to piss off god.

The fist sensation in my mouth is that of salty chocolate. It’s like eating a rotten chocolate bar after it finished a game of basketball. The next thing that happens is what I expected when I saw the 41% cacao. The chocolate begins to turn to the bitter side but stops well short of tasting good. It’s like when you take a sip out of a cup you think has milk in it but it ends up being orange juice. It is an unpleasant flavor stutter. This must be the half-mental brother of milk chocolate and dark chocolate. I think the chocolate parents tried to keep it locked-up in the shed outside while company was at the house.

Top View

Broken profile

Bottom view
Now the salty taste is coming on a little stronger, in tow with it is the flavor of wonderful Muslim repellant. MMMM, bacon…wait don’t go.

The bacon taste is fleeting, but nice. It is a bit stronger when you let the chocolate melt a little in your mouth and then just start chewing. I guess your teeth extract al the great baconness from the meat bits. About halfway through the chew the bitter chocolate drops out again and the bacon really matures. This is how it should taste throughout.
The chocolate has a nice smooth texture with a creamy melt. The bacon bits are chewy, but dry. It’s like the bacon has been sitting out on a greasy paper towel all day since breakfast and you finally decide to eat it before bed. The candy finishes pretty smooth, except for a bunch of bacon pieces floating around in my mouth like morons in a public swimming pool. And at the end you get a nice lingering aftertaste of ass-uped chocolate that the maker couldn’t decide if he wanted milk or dark chocolate.

Vosges - Mo's Bacon Bar cross section

Bitten.

Swisslion Takovo choco banana – Tribal dick fighting, space banana piece of shit.

2008-06-27T19:24:00.013-07:00

Target: Swisslion Takovo choco banana. I have no idea what is supposed to be going on with this outrageous shit. I have never heard of neither the brand nor a candy similar. This was given to me by a friend whose motives are questionable, especially since the box says it expired 5 months ago. Yet I’ll dive in head first anyway, the worst that can happen is my skull cracking open and my brains leaking out into a raccoon den.

Hieroglyphics

Packaging: This is one of the best. The front proudly displays two peeled dicks in and epic sword fight over a bush. It appears to be based on some south Pacific tribal ceremony; due to the sub-tropical jungle surrounding the clearing for the duel. I wonder if the bride to be is actually in the middle having skinned dongs whacked around her face or if it is just an artistic representation identifying the central importance of the aggressive yogurt breathing banana dragons.

Moving away from the chocolate dipped dicks, let’s focus on another issue with this stuff. What the hell kind of technology goes into sticking bananas into chocolate, is there a team of intergalactic robots farting space chocolate onto bananas that haven’t been discovered yet. I guess Swisslion Takovo is the place to go for using way too much effort to dip a banana in chocolate. I here Disney just buys theirs from bloody-fingered children in Malaysia.

Intergalactic space labor for 20 cents a hour.

Ingredients: Thirteen. No, not thirteen ingredients. Thirteen languages, and none of them are English. There aren’t even any Spanish ingredients. The western hemisphere is clearly not ready for what I am about to unleash upon myself. If you feel your house shake that is probably my head exploding. I have never seen a candy so devoted to being applicable to as many people as possible. Not only does the front of the box cover the extremes by addressing naked tribesmen and space robots fueled by Brussels sprouts, but just for good measure they address 13 different languages to make damn sure everyone in the universe except me knows what the hell is in this thing. Oh wait, I found the English. So what do we have here, “Foamy dessert coated with chocolate.”

Some ingredients

Foamy…what the fuck ever.

First ingredient is… “chocolate mass”. What the hell is this thing? Foamy dessert? Chocolate mass? It’s a foamy chocolate mass. I can’t begin to imagine how someone would come up with this goofy shit. WHAT THE HELL IS “CHOCOLATE MASS”? Does it not take up any space and therefore cannot be considered chocolate matter? No wonder so much fucking technology goes into this thing. They have somehow created a mass of chocolate that takes up no space. This shit would blow Einstein’s fucking mind.

HAMBURGER FOOT!!!!

But you know, it’s just chocolate and banana…right. Wait a minute, if I turn my back on the bananas in my kitchen for a second they turn to bread ingredients. How are they staying fresh in the room temperature box for so long? They must be dehydrated bananas. Either way I feel a disturbance in the force. Something isn’t fucking straight around here.

Candy: 1.7 of 10 (I could eat the entire thing due only to my iron will):

holy shit, it’s a piece of shit.

Top view

Profile

Bottom view

The friend who gave this to me must be trying to trick me. Somebody took a dump and heat sealed it into a wrapper. The sub-wrapper has some nice gold writing on it, BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER. A piece of shit with gold stacked on it is still a piece of shit. One of those robots must have let a diver slip and didn’t tell anyone. I need some kinky German chick to sample this thing for me and let me know if it is at least a quality turd, I wouldn’t know how to judge.

When I opened the sub-wrapper I caught a whiff of Moon-Pie. This is not good seeing as how I really don’t like Moon pies. Before my teeth completely severe the first bite from the rest of the candy I realize the candy is made up out of that weird fake marshmallow candy – just like a Moon-Pie, just stiffer. The fake marshmallow is a bit grainy, I don’t know if that is just one more attempt to make this candy less pleasing to eat or if it is because it expired in January. The overall texture is like chewing on a piece of Grandpa’s scalp that I found soaking in the corner of the guest shower.

While expecting an exotic blend of chocolate and banana flavors, this Peep-turd slaps me in the face with lemon. Lemon? Where the hell did that come from? The dominant flavor in this BANANA candy is LEMON. This entire situation is fucking me up. I think I’ll go buy some heroin from that ice cream truck in my top hat. After about a five second delay post-swallow, the banana and chocolate flavors start elbowing their way into my crying mouth. It tastes like a banana flavored Runt, which I hate, and some cheap Easter candy chocolate. So in the end, this lemony Moon-Pie shit dick of a candy tastes like an old Moon-Pie that has been sitting in the fruit basket of a long abandoned shack out near a murky lake. Fuck that. I have however deciphered the yellow slogan at the bottom of the front of the box, “Penasti desert preliven cokoladom” means “Nasty desert that prevails with cock-dom.”

Swisslion Takovo - Choco Banana cross section

Bitten.

Milky Way Crispy Rolls - Candy in the dirt.

2008-06-22T17:57:00.013-07:00

Target: Milky Way Crispy Rolls. Racism in a wonderfully crispy tube.

Ingredients (Spanish in Europe, Mexican in the States)

Non-jibberish ingredients

Hieroglyphics

Packaging: Seems normal enough. One side of the front loudly proclaims its Milky Wayness. As if to say, “I’m made by Milky Way, so you can try me without ending up eating toasted sesame candy or some other goofy shit.” The other half of the front shows the candy you are about to eat laying on the ground in some old dead grass and a couple of dirty gold bars.

I must say that it doesn’t seem like anyone was paid to think of a name. Almost as if they planned on going with just Milky Way and then remembered they already had a candy by that name. Then some executive was like, “Oh damn, we have to slap a name on this shit.”

The one things that catches my eye on the wrapper are the exploding hearts (go fuck yourself grammar Nazi). Is this some sort of warning that my heart may explode if I eat this shit. It is like the birth control pill that says its side effects may include: heart murmer, runny nose, itchy eyes, death, loose stool, hard stool, black stool, blushing, dizziness, headache, eternal life, bitchyness, AIDS, unexpected pregnancy, hammer toe, and baldness.

Your heart a-splode.

Another thing about this is you have to guess that there are 2 bars in the package (unlike the Good Children). There is no forewarning for retards that there are two bars (non-individually wrapped) so you better be damn hungry (or at least not a small girl or a homo) when you open the package. Cause if you aren’t, you are going to have the extra bar laying around in some dead grass somewhere.

Candy: 7.3 of 11: The first thing that came to mind was to suck the cream out of the wafer tube. Oh, yeah, I like the cream to be sucked out; just as long as it isn’t me doing it. The cream is a vanilla tasting cream. It contrasts well with the chocolate robe around the candy tube. The filling has a creamy cream texture, it is like a soft yogurt packed into a crunchy chocolate toilet paper roll.

Top view

Profile

Bottom view

The wafers are nice and light, not a big thick wafer like some sugar wafer candies. Not a whole lot of flavor, but ALL the texture of the candy comes off from the wafer. It also helps the chocolate stay rigid even after the cream filling has been orally evacuated from the assembly.

The chocolate is nice. It is good old Mars brand chocolate, except better than the Mars chocolate in the States. A lot of European countries (I’m pretty sure this thing came from Spain in a round about way) have a higher standard to be able to call their brown stuff chocolate than in the States. Sorta like our steak

and their steak

except in this case ours is better. And what the hell is going on with the biscuit hat.

The mix of vanilla filling and chocolate enrobing is a very good combination. The tastes complement each other and don’t overpower one another. At first I thought it was just another chocolate vanilla pairing and nothing more. However, the more I looked at the exploding hearts above the “i” in Milky Way, the more I came to realize something.

racism

That’s right, this candy is racist. Those exploding hearts are actually people. Notice how the white guy is in front of the black guy. The candy itself, first you may think that it is showing how black and white can work together due to the no conflicting flavors… but you are wrong. It is actually showing how good it is to have the two separate. Notice how the vanilla (whitie) and the chocolate (brothuh’s) are separated by the wafer wall of injustice. “Keeping the two separate seems to be the only way to make peace.” , this candy seemed to say.

Even with all the hate, this candy has a nice overall texture. I really like using wafers as a crunchy texture base. Without the wafers the candy would be to damn soft, it would be like a coagulated milkshake.

Milky Way Crispy Rolls - cross section

Bitten.

Kinder Bueno: Mother fuckin' milk and nuts.

2008-06-21T14:42:00.015-07:00

Kinder Bueno - Wrapper Front

Target: Kinder Bueno. I know bueno means "good", but kinder sure as shit ain’t Spanish so I’ll have to believe Wikipedia and say it means "children" in German. So apparently some Spaniard and some Kraut walked around a corner in France and started a war, and this was the result.

Ingredients

Hieroglyphics

Packaging: Boldly simple. The two main colors are white and a burnt orange type color. Where the colors meet the white is kinda wavy, I guess it is trying to convey the fact that milk is generally a liquid. The name “kinder bueno” shares equal headline space with an image of the two kinder bueno bars contained within.

There is also another picture of some milk and a busted nut (hazel I would assume), and some sort of flower (fucking hippies getting into my candy).

Above the picture of the candy is yet another representation of milk and hazelnuts. It is a fairly plain white type on a blue back that says “milk and hazelnuts. I GET IT, IT HAS FUCKING MILK AND HAZELNUTS. The only senses left out are and an audio recording and some damn brail or some shit.

Inside the packaging there is more packaging. I don’t like candy with more than two layers of horses ass wrapping, so this one broke lucky. Although I am sure if I got the six bar packaging there would be some middle man wrapper to deal with.

Top view sub-wrapper

Profile sub-wrapper

Bottom view sub-wrapper, with little bubble-gum-opener-thing

Well there are two bars like the outer wrapper said. Which is good, it helps with the outer wrappers credibility, I would have been pissed if there was one bar with two sub-wrappers. There is a little gold tab (like on a fresh pack of cigarettes) on the individual bar wrappers. Let’s see what happens when I pull it...

DICK!!!

Turd bar

Melted. I fucking hate Ari-fucking-zona sum-fucking-umers.
This candy came all the way from Eurovania in a backpack without breaking, and this damn heat is just gonna turn it to a fucking turd.

Well, while I refrigerate my Good Children back to a non-liquid state here some crap about this thing. It is mad e by Ferrero.

Well, shit. No damn wonder there is all the crap about hazelnuts. Ferrerro are the guys that make those overpriced Ferrero Rocher candies, the little chocolate and nut puff balls in the gold wrapper with the Reese’s cup thing on the bottom. (Those bithces are like, a buck fifty for three of them in a little suppository tube). The also make Nutella. Now that is some high quality nut butter.

Candy: 7 of 10: Upon first bite it is creamely waffery. If you every wanted to eat a creamy wafer, this is your candy. It is a little nutty, deffinatly could use some Nutella spread on top. There is only the least amount of chocolate taste. However, all the tastes blend well together. It tastes like a more mild Ferrero Rocher. It is much easier to eat, it isn’t slightly to big for one bite as the Rocher are. If you would put warm whipped-cream on a Kit-Kat bar it might taste like this. The candy is set up as four connected segments. I guess you could break the segments up like a retarded Kit-Kat but it seems to me more trouble than just biting the damn thing.

Unwrappped after frigeration

Left- Broke along perforation. Right- Cut along perforation.

The wafer just barely resists your teeth as they come crushing down into the creamy hazzlenut center. It is a slightly less than satisfying bite. Although is feels like biting down into what I imagine a moist cricket would feel like it is not a necessarily bad texture. The bar holds up well in the trauma area of a bite, no structural deformation behind the bite area.

Sliced down the center. Kinder Bueno cross section.

Bitten.